You & I Messages

 

It’s about how adults talk to one another………

Pop Quiz – what problems can you identify in the following statements?

• Don’t get mad at me.
• Stop treating me like a child.
• You make me so mad!
• You’re not listening.
• Stop yelling!
• Why can’t you get it?

     Imagine that the conversation is between you and me. All of them say something about you – but not about me. They are “you” messages.

     “You” messages stir up defensiveness and drive us apart. “You” messages assume we know  the other person’s motives, thoughts, and feelings. Our (negative) judgments are reflected in our statements about what the other person is (or isn’t) doing.

     In reality, a difficult situation between two individuals can only be resolved in a healthy (and Biblical) way when people are able to talk about what is happening inside themselves – “I” messages. What am I feeling? What are my motives and deeper thoughts? Problem is…many times we do not know what we are feeling. We think we do. We say we do. But when challenged to identify what we are feeling at a deeper level in an uncomfortable moment we find ourselves at a loss for words.

     “I” messages require unveiled honesty with ourselves. They are a product of “walking in the light as He himself is in the light” and result in drawing us closer together – “we have fellowship with one another.” (1 Jn. 1:7 )

     How could you alter each of the statements above to become “I” messages? What might be going on inside the person making each of those statements? 

 

For example: 

• “Don’t get mad at me” might become, “I’m feeling like you are angry with me. Are you?” or “Are you upset with me?”
• Instead of “Stop treating me like a child” one might say, “Right now I feel like a little kid. I’m having a hard time acting like an adult.”

OK - your turn...