A True Friend Gets In Your Face

Jonathan was a True Friend to David. A True Friend loves you enough to hate whatever harms you. A True Friend takes the initiative to tell you the Truth, and doesn't minimize the uncomfortable parts what ever the risks.

I wish I had known that. I had a friend once. A good friend. But I lost that relationship in part through my own failure to be a True Friend.

Jonathan faced reality.  My dad's out to kill you. Even if the 'problem' is external I can talk about the impact of that problem on me. Often we don't know or understand and certainly can't judge all the circumstances surrounding the 'problem' as clearly as Jonathan was able to do, yet still we can talk about the impact that it is having on us.

Jonathan did not minimize or spiritualize. I did both. I thought I was being understanding, forgiving, patient, even long suffering. That's spiritualizing. I ignored my feelings and withdrew. That's minimizing - telling myself that it wasn't that big a deal. Eventually it "killed" our relationship,

Jonathan took the initiative to address the problem immediately.  I faced the problem too, finally. When it blew up. It was too late. I had let too much go unspoken.

Jonathan went even though there was risk of negative consequences  As I began to be more aware of what was going on inside me I discovered that much of the real reason why I kept silent was that I was afraid of loosing my friend's approval and respect. That's the Truth. Sad Truth - I loved my own Self more than my friend.  I didn't take the risk of dealing with the issues.

I certainly hope no one is out to kill you. More, I pray that you may have the courage to tell the truth (get in your friend's face) about what's inside you and the impact that is having on you so that you may live into the fullness of True Friendship.

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A Valentine's Hate List

A Hate List? Really? On Valentine's Day?

Yes. Really!

Hold on a moment...What would you think of someone who hates arrogance, lying, deceit, verbal, physical or sexual abuse, embezzlement, hurting innocent people, manipulation, discrimination, cheating on one's spouse?

Would you like to meet someone like that?

OK, maybe not.

But what if I told you that person was not judgmental, is kind, gentle, and forgiving - what then?

Let me introduce you...

There are six things the Lord hates;

seven that are detestable to him:

haughty eyes,

a lying tongue,

hands that shed innocent blood,

a heart that devises wicked schemes,

feet that are quick to rush into evil,

and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.

To love well one must be able to hate well. To hate the things that can harm a relationship, destroy friendship, "stir up dissension among brothers." True love asks, "What might harm this relationship? What can I do to make this situation better?"

Remember Jonathan & David? Jonathan hated his own father's evil enough to leave his security, take a risk, and tell David the truth.

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My Vote

Are you happy with the results of the 2012 Presidential election? Yes? No? Here's my response:

The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:15-17

Christ is at the center. He is the center.

Able, Enoch Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob Esau, Josepth, Moses, Rahab, Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel...the prophets,  All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. Hebrews 11:13-16

         

By faith we look for and have placed our hope in an eternal future.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3

The race before US is the one that matters.

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GRACE TRUTH & TIME

As much as we anticipate the Holidays, let's face it - they can be less than Norman Rockwell perfect - especially when those events include a (fill in the blank) (difficult person) . Here are three small words that can help us during the Holidays or any time in any relationship. Grace, Truth & Time

Grace … at its core Grace extends Forgiveness.

It for the Past and takes only one…YOU.  In reality it is for you.  Not the other person.  They may never know that you have forgiven them.  In choosing to forgive, we free ourselves from “carrying them around” with us as baggage.  We allow God to be the judge and work in their lives.  It mirrors God’s grace, His unconditional love,  in forgiving us long before we even knew him.  Amazing Grace - when freely given sets us free! Free from the need to be justified, vindicated, validated, compensated. Forgiveness is giving up the need to be right.

Grace is not having to have things my way.

Truth … relates to Reconciliation. It is for the Present. It involves both parties.

You and I have heard our share of sermons exhorting us to “Speak the truth in love.” (Eph. 4:15) Good Luck! When I attempted that things blew up in my face. Even when I was attempting to speak honestly about what I believed happened. (Can you relate?) So what's the problem? Our perspective is not "THE TRUTH." The other party sees and feels things differently.

Speaking the truth to one another is: When I am honest enough to talk about what is really happening inside of me, about the impact that event / situation had on me; saying how I felt, describing what was going on inside me at the moment. As we look deeper into what is really going on inside of us we may realize that so much of our verbal response is shaped by 1) how we think the other person will react and by 2) avoiding our own fears and anxieties.

Speaking the truth in love means letting the other person know how important this relationship is to me. That it is so important I will risk being myself, being vulnerable, being teachable. It means letting the other person know what I want in (from) the relationship. Or don't want - the limits you need to set on the relationship.

So, speaking the truth in love has two parts. First, it is my responsibility to be transparent about myself. Second, the "in love" part means valuing the relationship, giving the other person a safe space to respond. In the context Paul is challenging the Ephesians to grow up in Christ! Children blame others rather than taking responsibility. Mature adults can own their issues. They are safe to be around. That's growing up in Him.

Grace and Truth together invite us out of isolation and into relationship.  The true me, as I really am, warts and all, in invited into relationship.

Time … relates to Trust, it is for the Future, and it is earned.

Trust does not happen in an instant. We learn to trust our Heavenly Father over time as he proves himself faithful over and over again. If we rush trust by demanding to be trusted, or placing our trust in someone else too quickly, we miss a step…….and growth without time is guaranteed failure. Henry Cloud affirms, "God accepts us fully, knowing that we will need time and experience to work out our imperfections.  Our failures do not surprise him.  If they surprise us, it is only because we have too high an opinion of ourselves.  We have a standing in grace that gives us freedom to achieve truth over time." (Changes That Heal, Dr. Henry Cloud, pp. 41,42)

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Seven Stanzas at Easter - John Updike

Make no mistake. If He rose at all
it was as His body;
if the cells' dissolution did not reverse, the molecules
       reknit, the amino acids rekindle,
the Church will fall.


It was not as the flowers,
each soft Spring recurrent;
it was not as His Spirit in the mouths and fuddled
     eyes of the eleven apostles;
it was as His Flesh: ours.


The same hinged thumbs and toes,
the same valved heart
that --- pierced --- died, withered, paused, and then
     regathered out of enduring Might
new strength to enclose.


Let us not mock God with metaphor,
analogy, sidestepping transcendence;
making of the event a parable, a sign painted in the 
     faded credulity of earlier ages:
let us walk through the door.


The stone is rolled back, not papier-mache,
not a stone in a story,
but the vast rock of materiality that in the slow
     grinding of time will eclipse for each of us
the wide light of day.


And if we will have an angel at the tomb,
make it a real angel,
weighty with Max Planck's quanta, vivid with hair,
     opaque in the dawn light, robed in real linen
spun on a definite loom.


Let us not seek to make it less monstrous,
for our own convenience, our own sense of beauty,
lest, awakened in one unthinkable hour, we are
     embarrassed by the miracle,
and crushed by remonstrance.


http://www.edow.org/spirituality/updike.html

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the din undoes us

Our lives are occupied territory...
occupied by a cacophony of voices,
and the din undoes us.
In the daytime we have no time to listen,
        beset as we are by the anxiety and goals
        and assignments and work,
        and in the night the voices are so confusing
        we can hardly sort out what could possibly     
                be your voice
        from the voice of our mothers and our fathers
        and our best friends and our pet projects,
        because they all sound so much like you.

We are people over whom that word shema has
    been written.
We are listeners, but we do not listen well.
So we bid you, by the time the sun goes down today
        or by the time the sun comes up tomorrow,
        by night or by day,
        that you will speak in ways that we can hear
        out beyond ourselves.

It is your speech to us that carries us where we have
    never been,
and it is your speech to us that is our only hope.
So give us ears. Amen.
 

Prayers by Walter Brueggemann,
from the book "Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth"

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It's So Much More Friendly With Two! - A.A. Milne

This week is the birthday of several dear friends. One of them was named Donna. When I think of this friend, I think of words like sweet, sunny, dimples, thoughtful, fun, laughter, courage, tenderhearted, competitive, beloved.

Donna would have been 61this week. I say “would have been” because her life was cut short just before her 20^th birthday. She was born with a lung disorder later identified as Cystic Fibrosis. It is a cruel disease. It limited her severely. She wasn’t able to play outside with us other kids as long as she would have liked. She loved to laugh, but often had that cut short by violent bursts of coughing due to her lung congestion. I always hated it when that happened!

We loved to play games together and got very competitive. I hated to lose; so did she!  We both loved words, and depending on who was the “teacher” when we played school, we would give the “student” a challenging spelling test. Words can be weapons, too, and we had our share of “word fights…….” Each trying to get in the “last word.” One time, she actually bit me in an effort to shut me down and win!

I cannot think of a person who was Donna’s enemy. She handled her disease with grace and poise, sewing her own clothes that would best fit her awkward body build. It was very common back in the 1950’s for children with CF to look malnourished, with thin legs and arms and a distended tummy. She measured just 4’10”. But for me, I remember her bright eyes, dimples, cheery smile, and alert mind. They always became the focus when we were together.  

So this week I honor the memory of a “little person” who made me feel alive and more appreciative of every day of my own life. She had a deep, abiding faith in God and His goodness.  She did not fight that He had allowed her to be born with CF. She was always more concerned about the others around her who suffered because they loved her so much.

It would have been a joy and privilege to have shared the rest of life here on earth with Donna.  She would have been one of my “safe” people. Perhaps you would have known her and been blessed by who she was, too.

She was my "little" sister.

Donna Ruth Miller   

March 27, 1951-December 1, 1970

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