Holiday Coping Strategies

‘Tis the week before Christmas and …This week we challenge you to:

Take 1 minute to:
• Choose one word to describe what you want to experience this holiday season. Put it on a sticky note on your mirror.
• Share a Mistletoe Moment - Physical affection increases our body’s levels of stress-reducing hormones. So, cuddle, touch hands, give hugs! They help us avoid overreacting.

Take 5 minutes to:
• Figure out what brings you joy and then commit to doing it!
• Get outside. Gaze at the incredible beauty of God’s creation.

Take 10 minutes to:
• Recall 3 holiday traditions you love most. Put them on your calendar…if necessary, let go of the rest. (We stress when we don’t say what we really want.)
• Read a poem, a Christmas story, The Christmas Story (Isaiah 7:14; 9:6,7; Matthew 1:18-25; Matthew 2:1-12; Luke 1:26-38; Luke 2:1-20)

Take 15 minutes to:
• Forget Multitasking...Focus on the task at hand.
• Give yourself permission to live in the moment –what does it feel, smell, sound, taste like? Be fully engaged in each experience.
• Create and listen to a holiday playlist.

A Blessed Merry Christmas from Ted and Jane Hutchinson

* Adapted from Women’s Day, article by Melody Warnick - 12/1/09

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Before This Fleeting Season

Lord, Before This Fleeting Season...

Lord, before this fleeting season is upon us,

Let me remember to walk slowly.

Lord, bless my heart with love and with quiet.

Give me a leaning to hear carols.

Grace our family with contentment, and the peace

that comes only from you.

Lord, help us to do less this busy season; go less;

Stay closer to home; kneel more.

May our hearts be your heart.

May we simply, peacefully, celebrate you Lord, Lord.

M.Jindra/L.Larsen

    Wouldn’t you know it . . . “This Fleeting Season” is already upon us! I’ll admit that lately I’ve had more difficulty than usual—finding myself defenseless in the fog of living at speed, distracted by unimportant urgencies, dallying where diligence was required.
    Advent. And I wonder if I have the time or energy to celebrate His coming?
    This weekend I took time to look at several areas of my life. On a scale of 1—10, I wondered, how am I doing managing my time, my rest, my health, my relationships...my time alone with God?
    I asked myself, what changes can I make this Advent season to welcome him in to my life, into my community.
    OK, now it’s your turn: Even if you have all your Christmas shopping done—ok, maybe that’s a stretch—but what does your life look like this fleeting season:
    • In Reflection & Re-Creation
    • In Rest
    • In Relationships

What three things could you do in the next three weeks to make this a different advent season?
    1.
    2.
    3.

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Black Friday!

     It's almost Black Friday! Time to max out those credit cards! Then get back to work & pay for it. Ah, but wait.... so here’s an assignment, ask yourself: “How would I spend my time if I did not need money?” Let’s imagine it happened; you stopped needing money, you were absorbed in doing the things you are passionate about. Go ahead, think about it. It’s OK if you want to keep reading, but I challenge you to come back to the question. Work on it, respond to it. If you suddenly realized that you didn’t need the money – how would your life be different?
     It’s a curious thing—but true—that by refusing to be obsessed with the need for money we move in the direction of fulfilling our goals and dreams. When we work for money rather than the joy or challenge that work brings and the contribution we can make we lose touch with our deeper needs, longings and desires.
     When we recall how often our Lord reminded his disciples that our Heavenly Father cares even for the lilies of the field and the birds of the air – who “neither toil nor spin,” how he multiplied the loaves and fish, how he taught them to pray, “…give us this day our daily bread…” can we see in that the unqualified release from the tyranny of the urgent?

     Are you stuck where you are? What would it take for you to break free? What other ways could you manage what you have now? How much do you really need?

“In all toil there is profit” (Prov.14:23 RSV)
What kind of “profit” are you enjoying from your work?

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When The Truth Hurts...

     Speak the truth. It’s easier said than done. People can get hurt. Sometimes I feel like there’s more to lose than there is to gain. Do I have the right to speak into someone’s life? (and what does that mean?) Telling the truth isn’t always as simple as it seems, is it?
     Mentor and pastor Len Sunukjian* has reminded me of two guiding biblical principles. First, there is a difference between lying (deception) and not saying everything I think or feel. At one point in his ministry Jesus tells his disciples. "I have many more things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now.”(John 16:12) Second, will my comments be “helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen?” (Eph. 4:29)
     There is a time to refrain from speaking, and a time to engage. The determining factor? In both passages it is the need of the listener that informs and governs what is said.
     Sometimes my “need” gets in the way. There is a tension between the fear of saying something that results in my feeling hurt or rejected and a compassion for the other person not being hurt or feeling rejected. Am I being honest with myself about which it is?
     What is the need of the hearer? Throughout Scripture, growth toward maturity requires three things: Grace, Truth and Time. Though our Lord held back because his disciples were not yet ready, in the next breath Christ promised the Holy Spirit would lead them to the truth. (vs. 17) It was grace that allowed him to hold back, to allow someone else (the Holy Spirit) to guide them into the truth at the right time. Who else might God use to speak into that person’s life?
     On the other hand there is a time to speak up. Paul’s challenge to the Ephesians is, “for building others up according to the need of the moment,” or as RSV translates it, “…as fits the occasion, that it may benefit.” Truth builds – it does no harm. Truth that benefits moves us out of our comfort zone. Nearly always a corrective word – even spoken in love - hurts. It does not harm.
     We are called to speak the Truth with Grace – and give each other Time. Time to change. Time to heal.

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When Honesty Isn't The Best Policy...

     True Confessions: My last blog Lies, Damned Lies and the ones Christians tell... generated more feedback than any I’ve ever written. Much of it had to do with the difficulty of really being honest. Some said it’s impossible. Others didn’t think it’s such a good idea in some circumstances. So, here’s a multiple choice quiz. What do you think?     
    Honest isn’t the best policy when
        a. I am attacked in return.
        b. It causes conflict (better to maintain the peace).
        c. The message would be harmful.
        d. The consequences would be hurtful.
        e. Nothing’s going to change anyway.
        f. No one supports me. I am alone.
        g. Other:______________________
    Ok, let’s admit it. There are times when honesty doesn’t seem like the right thing. Too often it backfires. We become the object of attack. It becomes our fault. That hurts. Other times it seems to invite conflict. Better to let sleeping dogs lie. (yes, pun intended) It seems like whenever we try to be really honest – somebody gets hurt. It isn’t worth it.
    More true confessions, I struggle with honesty too. Much of my hiding (dishonesty) has been due to fear of being hurt in some way. . .you won’t like me or think well of me. Maybe I am afraid that you will turn it back on me; that I’ll be the bad guy. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. It seems wiser not to say anything.
    Lies - of any size - are told to protect someone. Is it ourselves or someone else? Hiding separates. Truth can separate too – it can hurt (see c. above) but let’s save that for next time.
   Here are some things I’m learning:
        1. Listen. First.
        2. “I” messages vs. “You” messages. What I am feeling (“I” messages), not what the other person is doing (“You” messages) Discerning what’s behind my immediate reaction may take time, effort and help.
        3. Time and place matter. Texting probably isn’t the best medium for ‘honesty’ that involves confrontation.
        4. I don’t have to say everything I’m thinking in the moment!

What do you think? I’d love to hear your response –

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Lies, Damned Lies And The Ones Christians Tell...

…they were both naked and they were not ashamed… Genesis 2:25

     Would you lie to me? Would you lie to your spouse, a friend at work or church? Come on now be honest. Would you?
     I’m not talking about some big Bernie Madoff lie or what you’d expect from a used car salesman – or politician. No, I’m talking about the fibs – little white lies that ‘facilitate’ relationships.
     Five dreaded words: “How do I look, Honey?” Tell your wife she’s putting on a few pounds and see how that heats up the bedroom, right?
     One guy claimed, “I always tell the truth … in bits and pieces.”
     A woman confessed that as a newlywed she dumped take-out meals into pots on the stove before her husband came home from work.
     Then there’s the old new-Nordstrom’s-outfit-in-a-drycleaner’s-plastic-bag trick. Or “I’ll be working late this evening,” to hide a night out with buddies, sneak a ballgame or dinner with an attractive coworker.
     We fib to avoid conflict. To gain approval. To be kind. To save face. Because he feels judged, she feels criticized.
     And everywhere there is approval. “Fibs help us protect the ones we love.” “Go along to get along.” “If you don’t fib, you don’t live,” says one psychologist. “It’s a matter of survival.”
     Even at church giving offence may be a greater sin than not telling the truth. Big lies are told by silence. Lies that suppress honest responses, genuine feelings, necessary confrontation.
     The message: Sometimes lies – at least little ones – can help our relationships.
     That is a lie. Lies verbalized or lies of silence hide something. Hiding separates.
     And what is being covered over? Not the thing itself really but the feelings inside ourselves if we were to disclose the truth. We protect ourselves from embarrassment, hurt or abandonment. We suppress feelings of being small, foolish or insignificant. Then pretense replaces presence. We cannot be ourselves. We cannot be there for the other person.
     As that big liar, King David, came to see so clearly: telling the truth is the beginning of building a safe place to belong.

* * * * * * *

Search me O God and know my heart: Try me and know my anxious thoughts: See if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Ps. 139: 23, 24

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Right In My Own Backyard

     When our second daughter Cheryl moved into her own apartment, it was time to create another guest room for the many friends who pass through our home. I challenged myself to keep redecoration expenses to less than fifty dollars through creative sleuthing.

     For weeks, at yard sales, thrift shops and friends’ junk closets I poked and prodded, tape measure in hand, looking for just the right decorative furnishings. Little by little I assembled the pillows, bedcover, lamp, pictures, desk and chair.

     Then came the weekend I needed to make the room available for my oldest daughter Heather visiting from LA. I was eager to complete the project but a particularly fine watercolor seascape needed just the right frame. I had been searching for some time and was beginning to feel pressured, maybe even anxious, over that frame. Nothing I saw seemed to fit the bill – at any price.

     At some point my mind began to roam imaginatively through friends’ homes, stores I’d visited…any place I could think of for clues.

     Finally, in desperation I asked myself, “What do I have right here in my own house that might work?” That’s when it hit me! An old picture in what was once Heather’s bedroom, a plain, faded print, one seldom noticed, had just the right frame! Passing over the picture, I had forgotten the ‘perfect” frame that held it. I’d been running all over town for the solution when the answer was right here in my own backyard.

     Are you ‘running to and fro’ looking for answers? Have you been struggling to achieve a goal or fulfill a dream from long ago? Is there a project that remains unfinished? What needs ‘reframing?’

     How often does God whisper to us as He did that dry, dusty desert day to Moses, “What do you have in your hand?”

     Maybe the answers are not so far away. What has God given you? For Christ and His Kingdom, use it today.

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A Man and His Dog

     I don’t particularly enjoy my morning exercise. But at my age I’m not going to stay heart-healthy without it. So several times a week I pass a gentleman jogger about my age and his yellow lab pup coming up the long hill toward our house while my black lab and I are heading down. Though my Cooper is four he acts like he’s still a six-month old pup. Way too much energy and enthusiasm. Not enough discipline. Jane and I have wondered on more than one occasion whether he’s too rambunctious for us...but he was a Christmas present to me from our kids and well, you know…how can we get rid of him?
     I guess Cooper finally decided he wanted to play with the other pup because he suddenly lunged out toward the yellow lab and barked at him. Mr. Up-hill-jogger went ballistic. The yellow lab wagged his tail. Embarrassed and a little angry I tried to get control of Cooper. It was over in seconds.

That was about a year ago. The jogger and his dog have passed me many times and I don’t think he has looked at me, smiled or returned my hellos. Well, honestly, I haven’t said, “hello” very often either.

     I have figured out however, that a rather attractive younger looking woman who sometimes jogs with said dog is his wife. She’s very friendly. Yesterday Jane and I met the husband and wife with their dog in the park. She smiled and said hello to both of us. He didn’t appear to notice. I said to Jane, “How in the world does such a friendly lady wind up with such a curmudgeon?”

    This morning I saw the two of them. It was dark when I passed them in the park. The Mrs. and I greeted one another. The dogs sniffed and wagged their tails. We passed and the thought occurred to me again – how does she put up with him?

     About a half hour later with the sun peeking over the mountain tops and a light fog drifting off the waters of the Puget Sound, guess who I met coming up the hill? Yep, the ol’ Curmudgeon and his dog. Not his wife. We were about twenty feet apart when he stopped, looked at me and said, “I’ve been meaning to apologize for my outburst against you some time ago…”

Ouch!

Lord, have mercy.

How do you put up with me?

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Say NO!

     One day President Lyndon Johnson called the Galbraith house wanting to talk to the great economist. “He is taking a little shut-eye and has left strict orders not to be disturbed,” said the housekeeper.
     Johnson replied, “Well, I am the President.  Wake him up!”  The response:  “I’m sorry, Mr. President, but I work for Mr. Galbraith, not for you.”  Click.
     If only it were that easy for the rest of us.  Saying no can be awkward, guilt-inducing, nerve-wracking, embarrassing, and even risky to friendship and career. People often err in one direction or another, prioritizing either the relationship by saying yes when they long to say no or their own power by brusquely saying no and alienating the person they are dealing with.  Then there is the ever-popular route of avoidance – saying nothing at all and gaining neither what you want nor goodwill.
     Although we may intuitively understand how to effectively say no, we often don’t because of other concerns swirling in our head.  To say yes to the right things you have to say no to a lot of other things.  Actually, delivering a respectful, decisive no can paradoxically strengthen your relationship with the person on the receiving end.  Just consider what happened when Galbraith woke from his nap and returned Johnson’s call   “Who is that woman?” the President asked, inquiring about the housekeeper who had dared tell him no.  “I want her working for me.”
     Is this an issue for you? Do you have that uneasy sense that your life really belongs to everyone else?  How do you handle it when people want you to buy something you don’t want or when they ask you to do something you don’t want to do? Who is responsible for getting that back in balance?  Consider hiring a coach to work with you.
     Give me a call 425-275-7371

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