ARE YOU LISTENING?

How annoying is it to be in a room with someone who talks non-stop and doesn’t take the hint? Or have coffee with a friend who spends the entire time chatting about somebody you don’t even know and doesn’t ask you a thing about you? How do you feel when your spouse reads a magazine while you’re trying to share something important? Decides to text or takes a phone call?

Have you ever been that other person?

Listening well is a learned skill. And much in demand. In spite of all the sermons on “Be Still and Know that I am God!” it’s still tough to do. Being still, that is. The same is true in my relationships with others. To know another person I must learn how to listen.

In Life Coaching we talk about three levels of listening: “To, For & With.” When one is listening to they are taking in the facts. It is utilitarian. Their question is, “What does this mean to me?” The mind may be on other things. Listening for is hearing the words while formulating a response.

A much deeper level of listening occurs when we consciously choose to listen or engage “with” the other person by becoming attentive to their values, their passions, what they care about – asking, “What does this mean to them?”

Listening with requires turning the focus from myself to the other person. It is rare unless it is cultivated. Some things you can do to improve your ‘listening with’ skills are:

• Tune out everything else – it’s the ‘be still’ part of knowing.

• Mirror back what you heard using the other person’s words – not your own. Especially the feelings. No spin.

• Ask “what, when, how” questions out of genuine curiosity, to know more, to understand, for clarification. And then be quiet. Often “why” questions are not helpful because the other person may not know why. Nor do we – however strongly we may think we do. Our assumptions place us in a one-up position which blocks greater openness and trust.

• Project your own autobiography by evaluating, judging, probing, advising, or interpreting.
One more thing….added to this challenge is the fact that individuals process thoughts differently. Milan & Kay Yerkovich point out that for Extroverts things come together as they talk. They need space and time to verbalize. Introverts, on the other hand, process inwardly. They need to think it through, then they can talk about it. The Extrovert is literally thinking it out out-loud. If you are married, chances are pretty high that there’s one of each in your marriage. (note: a recent poll showed that only 20% of Introverts said they felt understood. Why might that be?)

Finally, the one question that is almost certain to gain acceptance in almost any situation is simply this: “What do you want from me right now?”

Are you listening?