GO HAWKS!

Even if you're not a big football fan, here in Seattle we're pretty pumped! The Hawks are 4-0 on the season. A franchise first. A come-from-behind thriller last week narrowly averted a city-wide epidemic of heart attacks by Seahawks fans.

OK, we're all excited, but really - does football matter? To one family it's been lifechanging. Here, by permission, is a letter we received this past week from a client:

What if you are a kid so anxious you can’t talk to people?

What if you are a kid so anxious you can’t look people in the eye?

What if on some days, you are so anxious that you cannot even be around other

people? How will you communicate and develop friendships or find community?

Perhaps God would give you a good counselor or kind parents or a nice big sister? Perhaps God would intervene through medication? Maybe your parents would force you to join the speech club at school or role-play with you night after night: “Here is how you greet someone.” or, “Let’s practice looking into my eyes; I will time you.” We tried most of the above to help our son, but (of course) the Lord had a better way.

Our son went out for the High School football team. He had never played football. He is in the 11th grade.

It wasn’t just any football team. It was a team with a kind, perceptive, encouraging coach. Sort of a coach/psychologist, although in real life he is the owner of a construction company. A coach who, when my son wanted to quit after the third day of practice, didn’t argue with him, but instead, timed his 40 yard run, and proved to him that he was fast. A coach who endured him getting discouraged day after day. Additionally, this special team was staffed by coaches who had an extra measure of patience and the ability to stop what they were doing to go over to my son and explain what he was doing wrong and to watch him carefully and see when he did something right so they could praise him.

It was a team with kids who could look past their own lives and see someone else. These kids became his teammates and provided him with a new identity. They gave a hand-up when he ended up on the ground after a play. They taught him the special “fist-bump-football hand-shake” while he stood watching on the sidelines. They tackled him and blocked him and shared Gatorade bottles with him. And, when my son finally played in his first game and missed his block, which resulted in the sacking of our quarterback, one kid took a knee beside him on the sidelines, put his arm around him and consoled him.

Consoled him.

We need someone to come alongside of us, put their arm around us and console us when we fall short or mess up. We yearn for real connection. We have fears that limit us and prevent us from reaching our potential. Jesus works through His people. He is called the consolation of Israel. He is the balm of Gilead. He wants to use you and me to comfort the broken-hearted and to put the solitary into families.

Football forces you to touch. Touch teaches you to look. Looking leads to connection. Connection leads to community.

Whose life will you touch today?

"Not by might, nor by power but by My Spirit, says the Lord of hosts." Zechariah 4:6

Read more...

I Pledge Allegiance -aka- The Importance of Being Second

When's the last time you spoke the word 'allegiance?' Most of us don't even salute the flag very often any more. Allegiance? To what? To whom? Police? Priests? Presidents? Parents?
 
Police brutality, sexual misconduct among church leaders, government control, absentee helicopter parents, Wall Street moguls ... Many "Millennials" (18-29 yr olds) see those with power as the problem. Authority is nearly synonymous with Abuse - limitation, exploitation, demeaning, insulting ... Allegiance? Hardly.
 
Which makes what Jonathan pledged to David after affirming that David would be Israel's next king seem very out of place, inappropriate, even weak. Some Biblical translations have enough trouble with it that the text seems sanitized. Here's what Jonathan really said:
 
 “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.”  1 Samuel 23:17
 
A number of translations have it: I will be next to you  which is all very nice except that the meaning is to be 'second' or under one's authority. By saying, "I will be 'second' to you," Jonathan placed his relationship with David above his own personal ambition. Though legal heir to the throne Jonathan acknowledged that he was under, and willing to support, the future king's leadership.
 
How can that be? It is because there was a difference between their relationship and the role each was called to. In relationship Jonathan was David's equal. That secure connection gave Jonathan freedom to fully support, encourage and yes...be next to as well as under David's authority and oversight, recognizing that God had placed David in a position of kingly responsibility.
 
What does it take to be in a healthy relationship under authority? The key is equality. A level playing field. One is not above, over, or superior to the other in their relationship. We read that David and Jonathan made a covenant with one another. When two individuals meet eye to eye as equals there is no fear. The apostle John puts it this way, "There is no fear in Love." The principle can apply in any relationship. (marriage?) In Christ we are called to equality in relationships and to be second / next to (supportive of) the one God has appointed to lead. Especially when it's not us.
 
Ironically, they never saw one another again. Not long after, Jonathan (and Saul) died in battle. Nevertheless, Jonathan's support strengthened David in the Lord.
 
 

Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest...
It's about who came, and never left your side...

Read more...

VISION CASTING

If King Saul had a drone it would have been searching for David. It was that serious. Saul had 3,000 troops pursuing the would-be king. "King David?" Ha! That must have sounded like mocking ridicule to the young musician appointed to sooth the Saul in his distress. Yet here he was hiding out in the woods, fearing for his life; threatened, undermined, attacked, and abused by the very man to whom he had pledged and given his loyal support. It just didn't make sense. How could the king turn on one so faithful? (1 Samuel 23)

David's situation, though more extreme, is not unlike ours. Maybe you went all out for something you believed in, hoped for, longed for ... and it all came crashing down for reasons you could not fathom or control. You worked hard, committed time, energy, resources and sacrificed - and then it happened, you were undercut, attacked, slandered by the very people for whom you gave your all. Sometimes it just creeps up on us until one day ... one day we're just tired of trying, tired of caring, tired of keeping up the appearance of having it together.

That's when Scripture records Jonathan "helped him (David) find strength in the Lord." How?

To answer that recall Gideon. I'm talking about that freaked out guy hiding in his dad's back yard. "The Angel of the Lord came and sat down under the oak (I love that detail)...where Gideon was threshing wheat, he said, 'The Lord is with you O mighty man of valor!'"

Ha! Gideon was nothing of the sort. If we didn't know the rest of the story we'd think this was Comedy Central! Listen to Gideon's response, (remember he's talking to the Angel of the Lord!) "Pardon me, but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us...the Lord has abandoned us!" (Judges 6)

Oh, boy! I've had moments like that. Haven't you?

Yet the Angel of Lord encouraged him with a vision of who he could be, who he was called to be, in God's plan, a man of valor. In the same way Jonathan saw David as God saw him, "Do not fear. You will be king in Israel!" Encouragement inspires with hope and courage. It supports in the worst of times as well as the good. It builds confidence.

We help someone find strength in the Lord by casting a vision of who they are in Christ and giving them hope to grasp and live into that identity. When we do that, we are taking part in God's calling and allowing God to speak through us.

Who can you encourage today?
Where do you need encouragement? 

Who will strengthen you?

Read more...

A True Friend Gets In Your Face

Jonathan was a True Friend to David. A True Friend loves you enough to hate whatever harms you. A True Friend takes the initiative to tell you the Truth, and doesn't minimize the uncomfortable parts what ever the risks.

I wish I had known that. I had a friend once. A good friend. But I lost that relationship in part through my own failure to be a True Friend.

Jonathan faced reality.  My dad's out to kill you. Even if the 'problem' is external I can talk about the impact of that problem on me. Often we don't know or understand and certainly can't judge all the circumstances surrounding the 'problem' as clearly as Jonathan was able to do, yet still we can talk about the impact that it is having on us.

Jonathan did not minimize or spiritualize. I did both. I thought I was being understanding, forgiving, patient, even long suffering. That's spiritualizing. I ignored my feelings and withdrew. That's minimizing - telling myself that it wasn't that big a deal. Eventually it "killed" our relationship,

Jonathan took the initiative to address the problem immediately.  I faced the problem too, finally. When it blew up. It was too late. I had let too much go unspoken.

Jonathan went even though there was risk of negative consequences  As I began to be more aware of what was going on inside me I discovered that much of the real reason why I kept silent was that I was afraid of loosing my friend's approval and respect. That's the Truth. Sad Truth - I loved my own Self more than my friend.  I didn't take the risk of dealing with the issues.

I certainly hope no one is out to kill you. More, I pray that you may have the courage to tell the truth (get in your friend's face) about what's inside you and the impact that is having on you so that you may live into the fullness of True Friendship.

Can I help? Give me a call  425 - 275 - 7371

www.soundviewcoaching.com

www.soundviewministries.org

Read more...

A Valentine's Hate List

A Hate List? Really? On Valentine's Day?

Yes. Really!

Hold on a moment...What would you think of someone who hates arrogance, lying, deceit, verbal, physical or sexual abuse, embezzlement, hurting innocent people, manipulation, discrimination, cheating on one's spouse?

Would you like to meet someone like that?

OK, maybe not.

But what if I told you that person was not judgmental, is kind, gentle, and forgiving - what then?

Let me introduce you...

There are six things the Lord hates;

seven that are detestable to him:

haughty eyes,

a lying tongue,

hands that shed innocent blood,

a heart that devises wicked schemes,

feet that are quick to rush into evil,

and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.

To love well one must be able to hate well. To hate the things that can harm a relationship, destroy friendship, "stir up dissension among brothers." True love asks, "What might harm this relationship? What can I do to make this situation better?"

Remember Jonathan & David? Jonathan hated his own father's evil enough to leave his security, take a risk, and tell David the truth.

Read more...

My Vote

Are you happy with the results of the 2012 Presidential election? Yes? No? Here's my response:

The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:15-17

Christ is at the center. He is the center.

Able, Enoch Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob Esau, Josepth, Moses, Rahab, Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel...the prophets,  All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. Hebrews 11:13-16

         

By faith we look for and have placed our hope in an eternal future.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3

The race before US is the one that matters.

Read more...

GRACE TRUTH & TIME

As much as we anticipate the Holidays, let's face it - they can be less than Norman Rockwell perfect - especially when those events include a (fill in the blank) (difficult person) . Here are three small words that can help us during the Holidays or any time in any relationship. Grace, Truth & Time

Grace … at its core Grace extends Forgiveness.

It for the Past and takes only one…YOU.  In reality it is for you.  Not the other person.  They may never know that you have forgiven them.  In choosing to forgive, we free ourselves from “carrying them around” with us as baggage.  We allow God to be the judge and work in their lives.  It mirrors God’s grace, His unconditional love,  in forgiving us long before we even knew him.  Amazing Grace - when freely given sets us free! Free from the need to be justified, vindicated, validated, compensated. Forgiveness is giving up the need to be right.

Grace is not having to have things my way.

Truth … relates to Reconciliation. It is for the Present. It involves both parties.

You and I have heard our share of sermons exhorting us to “Speak the truth in love.” (Eph. 4:15) Good Luck! When I attempted that things blew up in my face. Even when I was attempting to speak honestly about what I believed happened. (Can you relate?) So what's the problem? Our perspective is not "THE TRUTH." The other party sees and feels things differently.

Speaking the truth to one another is: When I am honest enough to talk about what is really happening inside of me, about the impact that event / situation had on me; saying how I felt, describing what was going on inside me at the moment. As we look deeper into what is really going on inside of us we may realize that so much of our verbal response is shaped by 1) how we think the other person will react and by 2) avoiding our own fears and anxieties.

Speaking the truth in love means letting the other person know how important this relationship is to me. That it is so important I will risk being myself, being vulnerable, being teachable. It means letting the other person know what I want in (from) the relationship. Or don't want - the limits you need to set on the relationship.

So, speaking the truth in love has two parts. First, it is my responsibility to be transparent about myself. Second, the "in love" part means valuing the relationship, giving the other person a safe space to respond. In the context Paul is challenging the Ephesians to grow up in Christ! Children blame others rather than taking responsibility. Mature adults can own their issues. They are safe to be around. That's growing up in Him.

Grace and Truth together invite us out of isolation and into relationship.  The true me, as I really am, warts and all, in invited into relationship.

Time … relates to Trust, it is for the Future, and it is earned.

Trust does not happen in an instant. We learn to trust our Heavenly Father over time as he proves himself faithful over and over again. If we rush trust by demanding to be trusted, or placing our trust in someone else too quickly, we miss a step…….and growth without time is guaranteed failure. Henry Cloud affirms, "God accepts us fully, knowing that we will need time and experience to work out our imperfections.  Our failures do not surprise him.  If they surprise us, it is only because we have too high an opinion of ourselves.  We have a standing in grace that gives us freedom to achieve truth over time." (Changes That Heal, Dr. Henry Cloud, pp. 41,42)

Read more...

Seven Stanzas at Easter - John Updike

Make no mistake. If He rose at all
it was as His body;
if the cells' dissolution did not reverse, the molecules
       reknit, the amino acids rekindle,
the Church will fall.


It was not as the flowers,
each soft Spring recurrent;
it was not as His Spirit in the mouths and fuddled
     eyes of the eleven apostles;
it was as His Flesh: ours.


The same hinged thumbs and toes,
the same valved heart
that --- pierced --- died, withered, paused, and then
     regathered out of enduring Might
new strength to enclose.


Let us not mock God with metaphor,
analogy, sidestepping transcendence;
making of the event a parable, a sign painted in the 
     faded credulity of earlier ages:
let us walk through the door.


The stone is rolled back, not papier-mache,
not a stone in a story,
but the vast rock of materiality that in the slow
     grinding of time will eclipse for each of us
the wide light of day.


And if we will have an angel at the tomb,
make it a real angel,
weighty with Max Planck's quanta, vivid with hair,
     opaque in the dawn light, robed in real linen
spun on a definite loom.


Let us not seek to make it less monstrous,
for our own convenience, our own sense of beauty,
lest, awakened in one unthinkable hour, we are
     embarrassed by the miracle,
and crushed by remonstrance.


http://www.edow.org/spirituality/updike.html

Read more...

the din undoes us

Our lives are occupied territory...
occupied by a cacophony of voices,
and the din undoes us.
In the daytime we have no time to listen,
        beset as we are by the anxiety and goals
        and assignments and work,
        and in the night the voices are so confusing
        we can hardly sort out what could possibly     
                be your voice
        from the voice of our mothers and our fathers
        and our best friends and our pet projects,
        because they all sound so much like you.

We are people over whom that word shema has
    been written.
We are listeners, but we do not listen well.
So we bid you, by the time the sun goes down today
        or by the time the sun comes up tomorrow,
        by night or by day,
        that you will speak in ways that we can hear
        out beyond ourselves.

It is your speech to us that carries us where we have
    never been,
and it is your speech to us that is our only hope.
So give us ears. Amen.
 

Prayers by Walter Brueggemann,
from the book "Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth"

Read more...

It's So Much More Friendly With Two! - A.A. Milne

This week is the birthday of several dear friends. One of them was named Donna. When I think of this friend, I think of words like sweet, sunny, dimples, thoughtful, fun, laughter, courage, tenderhearted, competitive, beloved.

Donna would have been 61this week. I say “would have been” because her life was cut short just before her 20^th birthday. She was born with a lung disorder later identified as Cystic Fibrosis. It is a cruel disease. It limited her severely. She wasn’t able to play outside with us other kids as long as she would have liked. She loved to laugh, but often had that cut short by violent bursts of coughing due to her lung congestion. I always hated it when that happened!

We loved to play games together and got very competitive. I hated to lose; so did she!  We both loved words, and depending on who was the “teacher” when we played school, we would give the “student” a challenging spelling test. Words can be weapons, too, and we had our share of “word fights…….” Each trying to get in the “last word.” One time, she actually bit me in an effort to shut me down and win!

I cannot think of a person who was Donna’s enemy. She handled her disease with grace and poise, sewing her own clothes that would best fit her awkward body build. It was very common back in the 1950’s for children with CF to look malnourished, with thin legs and arms and a distended tummy. She measured just 4’10”. But for me, I remember her bright eyes, dimples, cheery smile, and alert mind. They always became the focus when we were together.  

So this week I honor the memory of a “little person” who made me feel alive and more appreciative of every day of my own life. She had a deep, abiding faith in God and His goodness.  She did not fight that He had allowed her to be born with CF. She was always more concerned about the others around her who suffered because they loved her so much.

It would have been a joy and privilege to have shared the rest of life here on earth with Donna.  She would have been one of my “safe” people. Perhaps you would have known her and been blessed by who she was, too.

She was my "little" sister.

Donna Ruth Miller   

March 27, 1951-December 1, 1970

Read more...

Got Grace?

Where and how have you known Grace in a relationship?

We believe we're generous in extolling God's Grace. I've never met a Christian who wasn't in favor of it (though some might aver there's too much of it floating around).  Still, too many have been deeply wounded by those who use the language of grace.

If someone were to be gracious to you what would you experience?

This much I know, Grace does not excuse or overlook bad behavior, poor choices...sin. At the same time, Grace does not shame, blame, judge or condemn. It does not control. How is that possible?

Grace refrained from telling me what I should do or condemning me for what I didn't do. Rather it shed light on what I could do and who I could become. Grace looked at my need rather than focusing on my failure. It did not minimize my hurt. Grace offered a safe place to bring into the light what was really happening inside me - what I was really feeling, experiencing - things that under condemnation, or because of shame I could not admit before. When those things came to light Grace helped me find a new path, a new way of thinking, to hear new messages of life and hope.

Grace valued me. My needs. It helped me uncover the root causes - wounds, habits, messages and imprints that shaped my behavior. Grace acknowledged my desires, my longings. It granted a safe place to recover and heal. Grace waited patiently. Gave me Time to uncover and discover what was really going on inside. Grace expressed empathy, leveled the playing field, shared hope and helped me live in reality. People through whom and with whom I experience grace frequently share insights from their own growth process that gave me hope and direction.

What is Grace?

Grace is resisting the impulse to fix someone (control), to know what is best for them (judgment & condemnation). Grace validates another's worth by valuing their needs, providing a safe place to reveal what is hidden, and the time to develop new habits, thinking and feelings.

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus ... 

For what the Law could not do ... God did sending His own Son... 

Romans 8:1, 3ff.

Read more...

SOPHIA'S CHOICE*

Sophia, eleven years old, is trying out for the school volleyball team. Her friend is a more aggressive, solid player. Sophia says she's "wobbly." Sometimes when the ball comes to  her she doesn't know what to do. She wants to play well and not embarrass herself.

I've forgotten what 11 years old feels like, but I want to play well and not embarrass myself. I can relate to that.

Sophia's Aunt MaryAnn understood too. "Sophia, each of us has special qualities that God was excited about when he made us. Still, we often spend our lives trying to be like someone else rather than exploring the cool things that make us us!"

"You know," said Sophia, "I like to think about things in little pictures or stories so I can understand them. I feel like we are kind of like these cookies - maybe sugar cookies or something...and we all have neat little things on our backs, like maybe chocolate chips or something. We can only see the cool things on the other cookies backs because, you know, you can't see what's on your own back. You just think you're this plain cookie when you really have cool stuff on your back too that the other cookies can see but you can't sometimes!"

"You're so right!" laughed MaryAnn, "You were seeing the 'little-bit-burnt' side of yourself!"

How are you seeing yourself today?

What values are you living out?

Unless you become as little children you cannot enter the kingdom of God - Jesus

* Sophia's story used by permission

Read more...

The Importance of 1974

1974

• Stamps cost 10 cents each, but...
• Median Household Income was only $11,197 (in current dollars)
• Miami beat Minnesota 24 - 7 in the Super Bowl
• The Sting got the Academy Award for Best Picture (we saw it 4 times)
• Richard M. Nixon became the first US president to resign from office August 8th
• Charles Kowal discovered Leda, the 13^th satellite of Jupiter on September 14, the same day that...
• Jane and Ted were married

Today, I (Jane) am taking inventory:  When my life is ideal, I am…………….

• married to the same man    
• the mother of the same three kids
• grown up - my chronological and emotional ages match
• honest with myself and others
• connected to family and friends, no matter the distance
• willing to admit when I am wrong
• free of "shoulds"
• confident in who God made me to be
• thankful that we have worked hard on our marriage in the past decade and a half
• savoring rich memories
• friends with my adult children
• accepting that life is not perfect, nor does it have to be
• able to laugh at myself
• content

Read more...

WELL DONE, SON!

    OK, I'll admit it. I'm a typical parent, proud of my kids. With that disclaimer, hear me out.
    Last week Daniel invited me to read a doctrinal position statement and reflection paper he had written about his sense of call to pastoral ministry. And I have Dan's permission to share (t)his story.
    I was impressed by the quality of his work. More than that, I was deeply pleased by who he is becoming. I found myself saying, "Well done! I'm proud of you."
    Recalling the depth of my emotion and complete sense of satisfaction the next morning, I couldn't help reflecting on similar words spoken at our Lord's baptism. Powerful words of affirmation which launched three years of exhausting, intense, sacrificial ministry, "This is my son whom I love, with whom I am well pleased." (Mt. 3:17) In that moment I realized there is something in that event I had missed. Emotionally.
    The joy of the Father.
    That day I experienced a father's joy in a new way. Not that Dan was writing for me or to impress me. It came out of who he is: his mind and heart and character. They were his words. His thoughts. Yet they resonate with who I am, what I value, what I believe. I sense a oneness, a unity.
    If my son can bring me such joy can I not bring even greater joy to my Heavenly Father when my heart becomes aligned with his? Not from striving for it to be so, or trying harder. Not by dint of determination and discipline. Rather by simply enjoying what he enjoys. Loving what he loves.
    When I asked Daniel to read this he admitted it felt a bit awkward to receive public recognition. Sometimes I too find it hard to receive (believe?) my Heavenly Father's affirmation. Can I now freely receive his commendation? Without reading my sense of inadequacy into his joy? Without the pressure of feeling I should have done more?
    Today he is saying, "You are my daughter/son whom I love." Will you hear him?

Read more...

FROM THE TOP!

Last Sunday, Jane was in Phoenix for a wedding, I was on my way to 8:30 a.m. church, sleepy from a late night and the time change, and doubting myself as a result of some feedback during the week. In the car I flipped on our local classical music station broadcasting “From The Top” which features outstanding young musicians.

I tuned in just in time to hear 13 year old violinist Eric Tsai interviewed prior to being introduced to the audience. Eric teaches violin to his two younger brothers. They asked him if that is difficult. No, he said, it wasn’t because his family believes that music is a gift from God. Eric’s father takes the boys to nursing homes to play for the elderly. “It brings them so much joy! Like Bach put on his music “to the glory of God” I want to play for the glory of God.”

What a perspective for a 13 year old! The interviewer wanted to know if Eric was nervous. “YA” was all he said.

So this is how Jimmy Whales, founder of Wikipedia introduced him to the audience, “Eric, I can understand you are nervous but I have one thing to tell you. Relax a bit, enjoy this. There is no such thing as a performance that ends your career – because you can always get better!”

What are you doing today? Relax. Enjoy it. You can always get better.

And so can I. (I’m working on taking my own advice!)

Read more...

IMPOSSIBLE PEOPLE !!!

In his book, “Who’s Pushing Your Buttons?” Dr. John Townsend discusses twelve common ways that many of us tend to respond to the ‘impossible’ people in our lives – all of which DON’T WORK! Let me simply highlight four of the most common – and offer some beginning suggestions…
Blasting
In the outback of eastern Washington, back in the ‘20’s, a humble congregation decided to move to a new location. They figured on dismantling their church and rebuilding it at the new sight. Someone got the bright idea of loosening the nails by setting off a charge of T-N-T inside the sanctuary. Today you can buy a white wine called “Blasted Church” that commemorates the event.

Some people set off a bomb inside us. When that happens we say things we wish we’d never said. What’s worse, the one who pushed us to the limit thinks, “See, it wasn’t me. You’re the one with the problem.” When we explode there is something we need from the other person we are not getting. What is it? It might be affirmation help, encouragement, support or love. Or?

Have we acknowledged our need and asked the other person to help meet it?

Spiritualizing
I have a good friend who is continually afflicted by a relative who takes advantage of her graciousness asking for last minute favors, criticizing her cooking or housekeeping. But instead of confronting his bad behavior she says she just needs to pray about it. If she were more devout, humble, faithful, generous – if she were less selfish. She says his behavior shouldn’t bother her. If only she were more spiritual – the problem would go away. It will not. His behavior has become her problem.

There is a time to confront the situation.

Reasoning / Explaining
You hoped you could come to an agreement. An understanding. A meeting of the minds. Sometimes, no matter how patiently or clearly you attempt to explain the problem or lay out your reasons, it does no good. It is not that you need more facts or persuasive arguments. The other party has tuned you out. They may even say you are being defensive.

Reasoning with a difficult person may be a good place to start. But if it is unsuccessful, STOP. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling at this moment?” What happens inside you? Maybe you feel taken advantage of, demeaned, ignored, distant, abandon, or abused. Maybe you want to withdraw or do just the opposite of what you’re being asked to do.

Speaking ‘the truth in love’ is saying what is happening inside us without blame or condemnation. It’s simply a brief statement of our feelings. “When X happens I feel ……”

Waiting
When your best efforts have failed…when you have tried to be loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, and that has blown up in your face you may say, “I just need to wait for the right moment. I can’t talk to him until we have a good relationship or until she’s ready.” But that difficult person may never be “ready.”

“Blowback” is one of the most difficult and confusing results of trying to talk to someone about what bothers you. Even if you were able to confront someone in the most loving gentle understanding way possible that would not guarantee the confrontation would go well.

Absorb the “blowback.”

FOUR RESPONSES:
1. Say what you feel, not what she/he did. “When you do X I feel _____________”
2. Clarify. Don’t assume. Ask what the other person meant, intended, wanted or felt. Use their words not your interpretation, your spin.
3. Acknowledge your need. Ask for help meeting that need.
4. Confront the behavior, absorb the blowback.

Who’s Pushing Your Buttons, and Boundaries Face to Face are highly recommended resources for extended help in this area.)

Read more...

GET OVER IT!

How do you feel when somebody says that to you?

Three years ago and eight weeks before Heather and Ian’s wedding, Jane broke a bone in her right foot. She hobbled around for a week before getting treatment … a large boot to protect the whole foot and lower leg. Fortunately her foot healed in time to wear nice shoes for the wedding. Once in a while, if she bangs it in a certain way, Jane still feels the pain of that old wound.

It happens in relationships, too. Old wounds surface. We get “tweaked” and feel old pain from something that hurt us in the past. Even though we believe we have forgiven that person.

When someone hurts us we hurt. Try as we might, we can’t just say, “OK, I’m not going to let that bother me any more,” and forget about it. (Unless we minimize it, deny it, or stuff it.) Only those with no past have nothing to forgive!

Come Sunday, I find myself repeating the words, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” but I still hurt, feel angry or want to ‘get even.’

What’s so hard about forgiveness anyway? Maybe we feel that forgiveness means we have to accept or even condone the other person’s actions. Forgive 70 x 7? Sounds like a license to let them keep on hurting me. If I forgive…….they get away with it. Second, even when we try to “forgive” we may be left with negative feelings we just can’t shake.
Let’s get a couple of things straight:
• Forgiveness does not remove the need to confront ‘bad’ behavior. It does not grant immunity. God has covered (forgiven) all our transgressions – but he does not overlook our sin.
• Forgiveness is sacrificial - giving up our right to get even, to level the playing field. It leaves justice in the hands of God.
• Forgiveness is for our benefit though it involves suffering. Just as our Lord is said to be “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” When we forgive we grieve our loss. The loss of what might have been. Cloud & Townsend are on target when they write , “The most basic means of choosing our own way and not God’s is to decide not to suffer.”

One more thing. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is…me! “I feel so guilty,” “I know God has forgiven me, but I just can’t forgive myself.” If you have ever felt that way you are not alone. But know this: trying harder does not help. As C&T have pointed out in many places, the opposite of feeling bad is not feeling good, it is feeling loved. As we extend forgiveness we will experience forgiveness – and discover that we are loved.

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive

those who trespass against us.

Read more...

Level The Playing Field!

Remember teeter-totters? Try. Feel how exhilarating it was to be way up there in the air (you were little then); you could see the whole playground! And then you came flying down, up and down, up and down! Until the other person jumped off while you were on top of the world – and you came crashing down. Bang! It was pretty fun being on top but always painful, even humiliating to land on your backside.

Many relationships function the same way. Somebody is on top, one-up. Somebody is one-down. Being down is never fun. Remember Junior High? Were you one-up or one-down? Truth is, in Jr. Hi. every kid feels one down about something. And tries hard to be one-up.

Then we grow up. We pretend that we aren’t on the teeter-totter any more. That we’ve out grown it. Matured. Mellowed out. Moved on.

Have we? No. We have all learned patterns of living on top – being in charge, in control, dominating. Its forms are legion – anger, tears, yelling, demanding, getting in the last word or sulking, silence, leaving, going away. It may be teasing, joking, putdowns. Some stay in control by making peace – never allowing anything to get out of hand, tense, emotional, difficult, or painful. Then there are the masters of the teeter-totter: the person on the ground has the ‘real’ control to humiliate the one on top! All he has to do is get off. Passive-Aggressive control. Ouch!

At the same time, we have all suffered being one-down. We have learned how to live in that place too. An emotional hiding place that limits risk, vulnerability, openness, creativity, spontaneity – freedom. It’s a place where we feel boxed in, trapped. Things seem out of control. We don’t know how to make it stop. Question: do any of these words resonate: overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious, stressed, abandoned, cut off, heavy, listless, despondent, humiliated, exposed? What words express how you feel when you are one-down?

Remember getting on the seesaw? You and your partner’d scooch back and forth till you got it just right. No matter how tall, short, fat or skinny, you two could make it work when you made things equal.

Pay attention to those things that bring equality into you relationships. Step One: Distinguish between Evaluating and Judging in a relationship. Judging another person’s motives is ‘one-upsmanship.’ Evaluating is coming to a situation as an equal; as one who has been wounded, experienced pain, known struggle and difficulty. Step Two: Ask, How is this person like me? What might she be dealing with? Where does he need grace? Step Three: What are you dealing with today? Where do you need grace?

Read more...

ARE YOU LISTENING?

How annoying is it to be in a room with someone who talks non-stop and doesn’t take the hint? Or have coffee with a friend who spends the entire time chatting about somebody you don’t even know and doesn’t ask you a thing about you? How do you feel when your spouse reads a magazine while you’re trying to share something important? Decides to text or takes a phone call?

Have you ever been that other person?

Listening well is a learned skill. And much in demand. In spite of all the sermons on “Be Still and Know that I am God!” it’s still tough to do. Being still, that is. The same is true in my relationships with others. To know another person I must learn how to listen.

In Life Coaching we talk about three levels of listening: “To, For & With.” When one is listening to they are taking in the facts. It is utilitarian. Their question is, “What does this mean to me?” The mind may be on other things. Listening for is hearing the words while formulating a response.

A much deeper level of listening occurs when we consciously choose to listen or engage “with” the other person by becoming attentive to their values, their passions, what they care about – asking, “What does this mean to them?”

Listening with requires turning the focus from myself to the other person. It is rare unless it is cultivated. Some things you can do to improve your ‘listening with’ skills are:

• Tune out everything else – it’s the ‘be still’ part of knowing.

• Mirror back what you heard using the other person’s words – not your own. Especially the feelings. No spin.

• Ask “what, when, how” questions out of genuine curiosity, to know more, to understand, for clarification. And then be quiet. Often “why” questions are not helpful because the other person may not know why. Nor do we – however strongly we may think we do. Our assumptions place us in a one-up position which blocks greater openness and trust.

• Project your own autobiography by evaluating, judging, probing, advising, or interpreting.
One more thing….added to this challenge is the fact that individuals process thoughts differently. Milan & Kay Yerkovich point out that for Extroverts things come together as they talk. They need space and time to verbalize. Introverts, on the other hand, process inwardly. They need to think it through, then they can talk about it. The Extrovert is literally thinking it out out-loud. If you are married, chances are pretty high that there’s one of each in your marriage. (note: a recent poll showed that only 20% of Introverts said they felt understood. Why might that be?)

Finally, the one question that is almost certain to gain acceptance in almost any situation is simply this: “What do you want from me right now?”

Are you listening?

Read more...

This Thanksgiving - What will you do with the "Sweet Potatoes?"

What’s your best memory of Thanksgiving as a kid? Got that in your mind? Can you see it? Smell it? Good, ‘cause I want to tell you what I hated about Turkey Day – candied sweet potatoes! That horrible stuff with perfectly good marshmallows burnt on top. Ok, I know some of you love them…they make me … ugh, how can you eat those things?

As a kid I had to eat them – at Grandma’s, or mostly at church Thanksgiving dinners! And if I didn’t take a big enough portion, at least what dad thought was big enough… I got twice as much. That was agonizing.

I’m sure Dad had many important character-building lessons in mind (we’re company - be polite (you’re the preacher’s kid), take some, you’ll like it, or it’s good for you…). But there was something else I picked up quite apart from good habits. I learned, or rather I absorbed the feeling that eating sweet potatoes was something I ‘should’ do so the hostess wouldn’t think I didn’t like her cooking. (which I didn’t)

Should do, Need to, Ought to – it’s not just about sweet potatoes, is it? When we “grow up” we discover that we feel so obligated, so responsible. Maybe we struggle to say ‘No.’ There’s someone who will be displeased, something will be left undone…there’s a nagging sense that we haven’t done what we should have or could have.

What about obligation to God? That’s harder to detect. It doesn’t get much air time from the pulpit. All the stuff we ‘should’ do as good Christians – can you hear it? It’s almost as if some small voice inside us is saying, “Eat your sweet potatoes!” i.e. pray more, read your Bible, teach a Sunday School class, help out at the Food Bank, smile-don’t be angry. All good things – but why are we doing them?

Here’s a startling truth: God doesn’t like ‘shoulds’ either. He says, ‘Come to me all you who are thirsty...’ Come because you want to, not because you have to.

Which demands the question: What do you want? What do you love? What energizes you, restores, satisfies, fills you up? What do you want to say ‘Yes’ to and where would you like to say, ‘No’?

Here’s the zinger… If God has granted us the freedom to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ – even when it makes him sad – how will we offer the same grace to others this Holiday Season?

Read more...