This Thanksgiving - What will you do with the "Sweet Potatoes?"

What’s your best memory of Thanksgiving as a kid? Got that in your mind? Can you see it? Smell it? Good, ‘cause I want to tell you what I hated about Turkey Day – candied sweet potatoes! That horrible stuff with perfectly good marshmallows burnt on top. Ok, I know some of you love them…they make me … ugh, how can you eat those things?

As a kid I had to eat them – at Grandma’s, or mostly at church Thanksgiving dinners! And if I didn’t take a big enough portion, at least what dad thought was big enough… I got twice as much. That was agonizing.

I’m sure Dad had many important character-building lessons in mind (we’re company - be polite (you’re the preacher’s kid), take some, you’ll like it, or it’s good for you…). But there was something else I picked up quite apart from good habits. I learned, or rather I absorbed the feeling that eating sweet potatoes was something I ‘should’ do so the hostess wouldn’t think I didn’t like her cooking. (which I didn’t)

Should do, Need to, Ought to – it’s not just about sweet potatoes, is it? When we “grow up” we discover that we feel so obligated, so responsible. Maybe we struggle to say ‘No.’ There’s someone who will be displeased, something will be left undone…there’s a nagging sense that we haven’t done what we should have or could have.

What about obligation to God? That’s harder to detect. It doesn’t get much air time from the pulpit. All the stuff we ‘should’ do as good Christians – can you hear it? It’s almost as if some small voice inside us is saying, “Eat your sweet potatoes!” i.e. pray more, read your Bible, teach a Sunday School class, help out at the Food Bank, smile-don’t be angry. All good things – but why are we doing them?

Here’s a startling truth: God doesn’t like ‘shoulds’ either. He says, ‘Come to me all you who are thirsty...’ Come because you want to, not because you have to.

Which demands the question: What do you want? What do you love? What energizes you, restores, satisfies, fills you up? What do you want to say ‘Yes’ to and where would you like to say, ‘No’?

Here’s the zinger… If God has granted us the freedom to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ – even when it makes him sad – how will we offer the same grace to others this Holiday Season?

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Feelings Allowed

What happens when someone close to you - a friend or spouse - has a bad day? When one of your kids is in a funk? How do you respond?

Do you try to relieve the negative feelings? Is your tendency to criticize & minimize or ignore the emotion? Often our response is a reflection our own feelings. We may feel responsible to make things better, calm the waters, relieve the discomfort. Sometimes we experience awkwardness and embarrassment; a sense of being ill at ease, unsettled or uncomfortable. We feel as though we should “do something” when the other is down. Maybe we just don’t like being around someone when they are in a funk. It might bring us down. We don’t want anyone to feel bad. Many times our loved one simply needs a safe place to feel what he or she is feeling.

The more searching question is, “Why amI nervous or uncomfortable when someone else is struggling? What is happening inside of me at that moment? ”

Let me recommend and quote from two excellent resources you may want to add to your library:

In Safe Haven Marriage, Dr. Archibald Hart and Dr. Sharon Hart Morris note: many people fail to realize that there is a basic “wisdom” in all of the emotions. They are neither random nor unpredictable. Whatever you are feeling, you’re feeling for a reason! Emotions are the stuff of which life is made – happiness and sadness, elation and depression. As Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us, there is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Because emotions – which we sometimes call “feelings” – are God-given, they are designed into us to serve a purpose.

Emotions are biologically-based and are a synthesis of all that you experience at any particular time. Your brain processes all the information perceived by your senses and converts that information into emotions. You do not have an experience or a thought without an accompanying emotion. Some of these emotions may be imperceptible, but they are there nevertheless. Emotions are intertwined with your beliefs, expectations, and thoughts.

5 Ways Emotions Affect Us:
1. They tell us we have a need – for significance (worth), purpose, meaning or mastery.
2. They direct our thoughts and can overpower reason
3. They give meaning to our thoughts. (although not necessarily accurate)
4. They prompt us to respond. (positively or negatively)
5. They inspire responses from others. (ditto above)

Milan & Kaye Yerkovich have written extensively on this subject in How We Love:

We need to learn to come into relationship for comfort and relief. Being fully known and understood requires that we say aloud to someone else what is going on within our souls. We need to be safe for the other person so they can come tell us they are hurt, angry, etc. We need to experience love, even in the dark places of our lives.

Comfort is not possible unless a connection is made. Comfort is an art.

We often offer reassurance and miss the opportunity to really listen. Asking Q’s helps to find out more about how the other person feels. It is also a way to validate feelings. We all need validation. Validating another’s emotions simply means letting them know that their feelings make sense to us and that we have viewed the situation from their perspective. The key to validation is an attitude of acceptance. What a person is feeling is what a person is feeling, no matter how I view the situation. To accept the reality that the feelings are there whether I like them or not is to validate that person’s experience. This is a sign of maturity.

When someone listens to us and asks questions, we have an opportunity to reflect and put words to what is going on inside us. The self-awareness that comes from learning to reflect gives us the ability to understand our reactions, behaviors, needs, and inner conflicts. Even if you think you know what the other person is feeling, ask anyway!

Action Step – Next time you encounter negative emotions:
1. Ask yourself what’s happening inside you!
2. Ask the other person, “What are you feeling? (or needing)

The goal is to stop telling them what they are feeling, needing, doing, or need to do and listen – to them, to ourselves.

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Jus' Sayin' ... The Truth!

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin. Eph 4: 25, 26

A powerful text! …which we have conveniently interpreted to mean ‘telling someone else what they are doing wrong, what we don’t like and what we want them to change,’ without our getting upset about it. Comes pretty naturally to most of us. The telling part, that is. OK, we don’t always tell them out loud, but we have the conversation in our head. Whether or not we speak to the other person we get the message across: a message that says we are hurt, disappointed, angry, disapproving, critical, or… Whatever it is, something comes across.

Of course, when other people do that to us it’s a whole different story. Then, they are being bossy, mean, unsympathetic, unhelpful or they are just plain wrong. Clearly they aren’t listening or being gracious. How rude!

Being truthful is directly linked to, “in your anger do not sin.” Falsehood is ignoring or pretending; hiding or denying something that’s going on inside us. Sooner or later it turns negative. Speaking the Truth is being aware of and owning what we are thinking and feeling: what we want and need, the positive as well as the negative … and then communicating it effectively. Our desires are our responsibility!

When we communicate our desires effectively, we will be much more likely to get what we desire from our relationships. We appreciate someone who “wants well;” someone who is able to convey what they are feeling, thinking, needing – without dumping on us (eg. anger, manipulation, whining) or saying one thing when they really want something else. “Sure, I’d be happy to do that,” when in reality they are feeling overwhelmed. When someone’s true feelings or wants are nearly invisible to us we will almost certainly fail to meet that person’s expectations. Instead of being drawn closer to that person we will experience their reaction to our “failure” in a way that brings separation. Maybe even anger.

Tips for Jus’ Sayin…The Truth

Be Direct –

Get rid of “Hint Hint.” Trash Sarcasm – When we euphemize or mock we confuse.

Be specific instead of global when expressing wants. If there is a problem, specifics can help break through defenses. Talk about this situation. Avoid vague and expansive examples that communicate that the person that problem are worse than they are.

Indirect: We never go out!
Direct: I’d like to go out to eat tonight. (extra points if you say where!)

Indirect: Do you think you might want to pick me up on time tonight?
Better: Please pick me up on time tonight.

Indirect: Don’t be late again.
Better: Please call if you are going to be late for dinner.

Indirect: I really like it when you put your dishes in the dishwasher.
Better: Please put your dishes in the dishwasher, not in the sink.

Indirect: Why doesn’t it bother you when you are so mean to me?
Better: Please don’t correct me in front of our guests.

Be Descriptive - Use “I” statements rather than “YOU” statements. I” messages describe what I am experiencing. “You” messages are my judgment, my opinion about what you are doing.

Be Daring –
Take a risk. Put it out there without minimizing or euphemizing (putting it in acceptable terms) because…

Be Deliberate –
This is a learning process. It doesn’t come naturally or on the first try. Keep trying. Work at it. If you need help get help.

Resource: Boundaries Face to Face by Cloud and Townsend

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First Things First - Know Thyself

This week we are looking at how knowing and expressing what we need helps us connect with the people we love and those whom we are called to serve. Jane lost two sisters to Cystic Fibrosis. She was the strong one….after all, she survived. Being needy did not feel safe. But, that self-sufficiency was an illusion, a counterfeit which led to a place of despair. Only when she began to believe that God values our neediness did she take steps of faith to open up her heart to connecting.

Within the Trinity God (plural) is always attached, inter-dependent, never in isolation. At the same time, God (plural) is individual. Eternally connected. Ever separate. God is self-sufficient. We are not. As image bearers, we are created to reach outside ourselves to get what we need. One of the most spiritual activities we can perform is to need other people.

Asking for help and support is inconvenient and uncomfortable. Sometimes it is unsafe. Many of us have been taught that it is selfish. Yet God built dependency into all of us. Needs, often experienced as feelings, were there even before the Fall. Emotions can tell us when a need is not being met.

What might you need? Some examples:
Support in uncertainty, a transition, or tough decision
Comfort in a loss or disappointment
Acceptance and understanding
A hug
To express your feelings without being criticized or made fun of
To be affirmed for who you are, not just what you do

Action steps: Am I asking for what I need?
Am I being specific / clear?
Was I honest?
Was I willing to take a risk?

Maturity is the result of resolving the unmet needs in a relationship.Cloud &Townsend

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Who's On Your Christmas List?

7:15 a.m. I’m walking with Cooper, passing kids headed to school. “Good Morning!” Blank stares. “Morning!” Blank stares. “Hi!” Blank stares. Passing a woman, “Good Morning,” no response…staring straight ahead. I don’t exist. Got me thinking about “connecting” – or not. Especially during the Holidays.

Finding genuine connection and intimacy is one of the most common themes our clients bring to coaching. Someone has said “the search for intimacy is the lonely quest of the human heart.” Connecting with another individual at a deep level is an inborn, God-created need first experienced as we were cradled in our mother’s arms. We never outgrow its power to impart to us meaning, worth and value.

Interpersonal closeness is not as widespread as you might think. Individuals learn to adjust to little meaningful emotional interaction. It becomes ‘normal.’ Society encourages uniqueness and independence and teaches us to fend off others’ attempts to draw close. It can be easier to experience closeness with a pet than to the person we live with. What’s missing?

It’s easy to believe that if we could simply find the right person, a soul mate or a kindred spirit then we will be connected, satisfied, filled up by that friendship. Good Luck! Satisfying connections are not merely the chance meeting of similar personalities, interests, or life styles. Intimacy, that sense of being fully known, unconditionally loved, is nurtured by behavior that secures our individual safety in a relationship.

Seven things you can do…

• Know Thyself – What are you feeling? What do you want? What do you need?
• Speak the Truth – State what you want or need, simply, clearly, specifically.
• Feelings Allowed – Ask the other person, “What are you feeling? (or needing) Stop telling them what they are feeling, needing, doing, need to do.
• Like It or Not! – Answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’ Accept the other person’s ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ without judgment.
• Be Quiet – Listen. Without Judging.
• Level The Playing Field – Refuse to be “one up” or “one down”
• Get Over It – Offer & Receive Forgiveness

Over the next few weeks we will take a look at each of these habits that will transform your relationships. Why not get a head start? Make a Christmas list of the people you most want to connect with.

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will you still need me will you still feed me when I'm 64

If you’re old enough, you started humming the 1967 Paul McCartney Beatles tune when you read the title. OK, sing along with the clarinet…

When I get older losing my hair, Many years from now.
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings bottle of wine?
If I'd been out till quarter to three Would you lock the door,
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four.*

One of the most difficult challenges our clients face is asking someone to meet their needs. I can identify. When faced with the question, “What do I need?” I could not answer. My initial response was to wonder what the difference was between a want and a need. Isn’t it selfish to say I need “X”? I thought, there are many things I want, but nothing I really need. After all, I’m not starving or living in some third world country.

Here’s what I discovered. A Want is a desire, something I like, enjoy, something that ‘feels’ good and makes life pleasant. But I do not have to have it. A Need, in contrast, is something without which I am diminished, harmed, damaged. I am missing out on something God intended for me – physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally.

Our Lord taught us that our Heavenly Father is waiting for us to ask for our needs to be met. James says we “have not” because we have not asked, or we have not asked well.

Meier-New Life Clinic offers four steps for getting our needs met in a healthy way:
1. Identify your need.
2. Ask specifically for your need to be met.
3. Give freedom for other person to say “Yes” or “No.”
4. Receive, value, and be grateful for either a “Yes” or “No” without judgment or condemnation.

Who we ask depends on what the need is… I’m learning to be able to tell Jane what I need. She tells me what she needs. How about you? How will I know what you need? Will you tell me?

Paul McCartney got it right, I will need you. Will you need me?

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Lessons From LOST

Not the show. I mean lost, as in: Really Lost.

It happened last week driving from Seattle, WA. to Princeton, NJ. After visiting friends in the Chicago area, son Daniel and I were headed out bound for Cleveland, OH in a blinding downpour. And fog. Dense fog. Driving was miserable. Nearly bumper to bumper traffic. I could barely see the cars around me. I concentrated all my senses on staying in my lane, not too close or too far from the car in front of me. Dan was asleep.

Suddenly my Bluetooth earpiece was buzzing. Back in Seattle Jane was wondering were we were. At 80 mph. you can go a long way in a couple of hours. Just as I was about to say that we were making a mad dash for Cleveland, through the slightest sliver of grey sky, I caught sight of a bright blue sign overhead informing me that I was . . . in Michigan and not far from Detroit!

In a flash I hung up the phone, woke up Daniel and took the next exit!

I was focused. I was fast. And I was faraway from our intended destination.

It is important to be Focused. It takes concentrated discipline. Until we focus and define what is most important to us we live in a fog of other-directed urgencies. But focus is simply not enough. I needed someone to come alongside and help me see what I could not see on my own.

It’s good to be Fast. Efficient. Productive. But it’s not enough. Deep, lasting satisfaction is expressed by something we call “Fulfillment.”

Fulfillment comes from arriving at a place that has long-term meaning and value. Fulfillment is not only arriving, but knowing that we are where we truly want to be. Fulfillment is beyond Focus, Balance, Success, or Productivity. Knowing the difference will determine what actions you take: those you purposefully choose to ignore or decline and the ones that will lead to a meaningful end.

Life Coaching is designed to help achieve fulfillment and help you stay focused by asking those open-ended questions that keep your eyes on the prize.

Call for a free get-acquainted session: 425-275-7317

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