Jus' Sayin' ... The Truth!

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin. Eph 4: 25, 26

A powerful text! …which we have conveniently interpreted to mean ‘telling someone else what they are doing wrong, what we don’t like and what we want them to change,’ without our getting upset about it. Comes pretty naturally to most of us. The telling part, that is. OK, we don’t always tell them out loud, but we have the conversation in our head. Whether or not we speak to the other person we get the message across: a message that says we are hurt, disappointed, angry, disapproving, critical, or… Whatever it is, something comes across.

Of course, when other people do that to us it’s a whole different story. Then, they are being bossy, mean, unsympathetic, unhelpful or they are just plain wrong. Clearly they aren’t listening or being gracious. How rude!

Being truthful is directly linked to, “in your anger do not sin.” Falsehood is ignoring or pretending; hiding or denying something that’s going on inside us. Sooner or later it turns negative. Speaking the Truth is being aware of and owning what we are thinking and feeling: what we want and need, the positive as well as the negative … and then communicating it effectively. Our desires are our responsibility!

When we communicate our desires effectively, we will be much more likely to get what we desire from our relationships. We appreciate someone who “wants well;” someone who is able to convey what they are feeling, thinking, needing – without dumping on us (eg. anger, manipulation, whining) or saying one thing when they really want something else. “Sure, I’d be happy to do that,” when in reality they are feeling overwhelmed. When someone’s true feelings or wants are nearly invisible to us we will almost certainly fail to meet that person’s expectations. Instead of being drawn closer to that person we will experience their reaction to our “failure” in a way that brings separation. Maybe even anger.

Tips for Jus’ Sayin…The Truth

Be Direct –

Get rid of “Hint Hint.” Trash Sarcasm – When we euphemize or mock we confuse.

Be specific instead of global when expressing wants. If there is a problem, specifics can help break through defenses. Talk about this situation. Avoid vague and expansive examples that communicate that the person that problem are worse than they are.

Indirect: We never go out!
Direct: I’d like to go out to eat tonight. (extra points if you say where!)

Indirect: Do you think you might want to pick me up on time tonight?
Better: Please pick me up on time tonight.

Indirect: Don’t be late again.
Better: Please call if you are going to be late for dinner.

Indirect: I really like it when you put your dishes in the dishwasher.
Better: Please put your dishes in the dishwasher, not in the sink.

Indirect: Why doesn’t it bother you when you are so mean to me?
Better: Please don’t correct me in front of our guests.

Be Descriptive - Use “I” statements rather than “YOU” statements. I” messages describe what I am experiencing. “You” messages are my judgment, my opinion about what you are doing.

Be Daring –
Take a risk. Put it out there without minimizing or euphemizing (putting it in acceptable terms) because…

Be Deliberate –
This is a learning process. It doesn’t come naturally or on the first try. Keep trying. Work at it. If you need help get help.

Resource: Boundaries Face to Face by Cloud and Townsend

Read more...

First Things First - Know Thyself

This week we are looking at how knowing and expressing what we need helps us connect with the people we love and those whom we are called to serve. Jane lost two sisters to Cystic Fibrosis. She was the strong one….after all, she survived. Being needy did not feel safe. But, that self-sufficiency was an illusion, a counterfeit which led to a place of despair. Only when she began to believe that God values our neediness did she take steps of faith to open up her heart to connecting.

Within the Trinity God (plural) is always attached, inter-dependent, never in isolation. At the same time, God (plural) is individual. Eternally connected. Ever separate. God is self-sufficient. We are not. As image bearers, we are created to reach outside ourselves to get what we need. One of the most spiritual activities we can perform is to need other people.

Asking for help and support is inconvenient and uncomfortable. Sometimes it is unsafe. Many of us have been taught that it is selfish. Yet God built dependency into all of us. Needs, often experienced as feelings, were there even before the Fall. Emotions can tell us when a need is not being met.

What might you need? Some examples:
Support in uncertainty, a transition, or tough decision
Comfort in a loss or disappointment
Acceptance and understanding
A hug
To express your feelings without being criticized or made fun of
To be affirmed for who you are, not just what you do

Action steps: Am I asking for what I need?
Am I being specific / clear?
Was I honest?
Was I willing to take a risk?

Maturity is the result of resolving the unmet needs in a relationship.Cloud &Townsend

Read more...

Who's On Your Christmas List?

7:15 a.m. I’m walking with Cooper, passing kids headed to school. “Good Morning!” Blank stares. “Morning!” Blank stares. “Hi!” Blank stares. Passing a woman, “Good Morning,” no response…staring straight ahead. I don’t exist. Got me thinking about “connecting” – or not. Especially during the Holidays.

Finding genuine connection and intimacy is one of the most common themes our clients bring to coaching. Someone has said “the search for intimacy is the lonely quest of the human heart.” Connecting with another individual at a deep level is an inborn, God-created need first experienced as we were cradled in our mother’s arms. We never outgrow its power to impart to us meaning, worth and value.

Interpersonal closeness is not as widespread as you might think. Individuals learn to adjust to little meaningful emotional interaction. It becomes ‘normal.’ Society encourages uniqueness and independence and teaches us to fend off others’ attempts to draw close. It can be easier to experience closeness with a pet than to the person we live with. What’s missing?

It’s easy to believe that if we could simply find the right person, a soul mate or a kindred spirit then we will be connected, satisfied, filled up by that friendship. Good Luck! Satisfying connections are not merely the chance meeting of similar personalities, interests, or life styles. Intimacy, that sense of being fully known, unconditionally loved, is nurtured by behavior that secures our individual safety in a relationship.

Seven things you can do…

• Know Thyself – What are you feeling? What do you want? What do you need?
• Speak the Truth – State what you want or need, simply, clearly, specifically.
• Feelings Allowed – Ask the other person, “What are you feeling? (or needing) Stop telling them what they are feeling, needing, doing, need to do.
• Like It or Not! – Answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’ Accept the other person’s ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ without judgment.
• Be Quiet – Listen. Without Judging.
• Level The Playing Field – Refuse to be “one up” or “one down”
• Get Over It – Offer & Receive Forgiveness

Over the next few weeks we will take a look at each of these habits that will transform your relationships. Why not get a head start? Make a Christmas list of the people you most want to connect with.

Read more...

will you still need me will you still feed me when I'm 64

If you’re old enough, you started humming the 1967 Paul McCartney Beatles tune when you read the title. OK, sing along with the clarinet…

When I get older losing my hair, Many years from now.
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings bottle of wine?
If I'd been out till quarter to three Would you lock the door,
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four.*

One of the most difficult challenges our clients face is asking someone to meet their needs. I can identify. When faced with the question, “What do I need?” I could not answer. My initial response was to wonder what the difference was between a want and a need. Isn’t it selfish to say I need “X”? I thought, there are many things I want, but nothing I really need. After all, I’m not starving or living in some third world country.

Here’s what I discovered. A Want is a desire, something I like, enjoy, something that ‘feels’ good and makes life pleasant. But I do not have to have it. A Need, in contrast, is something without which I am diminished, harmed, damaged. I am missing out on something God intended for me – physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally.

Our Lord taught us that our Heavenly Father is waiting for us to ask for our needs to be met. James says we “have not” because we have not asked, or we have not asked well.

Meier-New Life Clinic offers four steps for getting our needs met in a healthy way:
1. Identify your need.
2. Ask specifically for your need to be met.
3. Give freedom for other person to say “Yes” or “No.”
4. Receive, value, and be grateful for either a “Yes” or “No” without judgment or condemnation.

Who we ask depends on what the need is… I’m learning to be able to tell Jane what I need. She tells me what she needs. How about you? How will I know what you need? Will you tell me?

Paul McCartney got it right, I will need you. Will you need me?

Read more...

Lessons From LOST

Not the show. I mean lost, as in: Really Lost.

It happened last week driving from Seattle, WA. to Princeton, NJ. After visiting friends in the Chicago area, son Daniel and I were headed out bound for Cleveland, OH in a blinding downpour. And fog. Dense fog. Driving was miserable. Nearly bumper to bumper traffic. I could barely see the cars around me. I concentrated all my senses on staying in my lane, not too close or too far from the car in front of me. Dan was asleep.

Suddenly my Bluetooth earpiece was buzzing. Back in Seattle Jane was wondering were we were. At 80 mph. you can go a long way in a couple of hours. Just as I was about to say that we were making a mad dash for Cleveland, through the slightest sliver of grey sky, I caught sight of a bright blue sign overhead informing me that I was . . . in Michigan and not far from Detroit!

In a flash I hung up the phone, woke up Daniel and took the next exit!

I was focused. I was fast. And I was faraway from our intended destination.

It is important to be Focused. It takes concentrated discipline. Until we focus and define what is most important to us we live in a fog of other-directed urgencies. But focus is simply not enough. I needed someone to come alongside and help me see what I could not see on my own.

It’s good to be Fast. Efficient. Productive. But it’s not enough. Deep, lasting satisfaction is expressed by something we call “Fulfillment.”

Fulfillment comes from arriving at a place that has long-term meaning and value. Fulfillment is not only arriving, but knowing that we are where we truly want to be. Fulfillment is beyond Focus, Balance, Success, or Productivity. Knowing the difference will determine what actions you take: those you purposefully choose to ignore or decline and the ones that will lead to a meaningful end.

Life Coaching is designed to help achieve fulfillment and help you stay focused by asking those open-ended questions that keep your eyes on the prize.

Call for a free get-acquainted session: 425-275-7317

Read more...

Baggage

     If you could snap your fingers and accomplish a dream you once had – what would that be? In my case it was the restoration of a railroad baggage wagon. It all started in the ‘70’s at Ponderosa Lodge, Mount Hermon Christian Camp where they used railroad baggage wagons to transport campers’ luggage to their cabins and as serving ‘tables’ for picnic dinners and banana split night – I wanted one of those! I’m a railroad buff. I love old trains. I play with electric trains at Christmas.
     Nearly 25 years ago I got my wish – sort of. Amtrak was trashing their rubbish. Five bucks got me four Goodrich Industrial solid rubber tires, spoked wheels, steel braces, rods and a whole bunch of heavy oak timber. Seemed like a great idea. Someday that bunch of junk would become an original early 1900’s Northern Pacific Railroad baggage wagon. We would use it in the same way Ponderosa Lodge did – for entertaining.
     It was a fun project at first. The kids put a coat of protective paint on all the wood. We made a huge mess. Then the dream died. Time passed. The dream seemed kind of silly. It was a long shot and I’d probably screw it up. It would take time away from other urgent matters. I told myself it wasn’t that important, it wasn’t practical. I let it slide into the dustbin of “someday.” Once in a while the kids would ask, “Dad, when are you going to build that baggage wagon?” Jane attempted to encourage me on. I’d move (really heavy) stuff around and think, “I really should finish this”…but it never happened. Truth is, the dream was literally gathering grime, cluttering up my garage, getting in the way.
     Until about two months ago. Our daughter Cheryl was scheduled to leave for Army boot camp. More than anything I wanted to spend some quality time with her before she left. Cheryl’s good with tools, a hard worker and had often encouraged me to finish the wagon. She agreed to work on it with me.
     Still, I wasn’t confident I could pull it off. I had no construction plans, just an idea of what it was supposed to look like. Could I figure out how it went together? Did I have all the pieces? Was I doing it right? Would Jane be upset with all the money spent if it didn’t turn out right? Would it be a waste of time?
     As the hours and the evenings passed working with Cheryl in our garage, the conversations, the sense of common purpose and connection, the growing sense of pride in our accomplishment grew. I began to realize that even if it didn’t turn out exactly as I had hoped, my original dream was becoming a part of fulfilling a much larger dream, a longing, a passion………drawing close to my kids.
     As work continued I was able to shed some of my own baggage. Four fears had held me back but when the project became part of living out my core values I could overcome those fears and move forward. The ancient cart was fully restored. It was all I had hoped for – and so much more!

It’s Your Turn –

What do you really want?
What’s holding you back? Could it be …

• Fear of Dreaming – It’s silly to think like that!
• Fear of Failure – What if I can’t finish?
• Fear of Upsetting Someone – What will “they” think or say?
• Fear of Consequences – What if I spend time and money and it doesn’t turn out?

(To see additional pictures of the restoration go to:
http://picasaweb.google.com/revted47/NorthernPacificBaggageWagonRestoration#
For best viewing click on ‘Slideshow’ just above the first picture.)

Read more...

You & I Messages

 

It’s about how adults talk to one another………

Pop Quiz – what problems can you identify in the following statements?

• Don’t get mad at me.
• Stop treating me like a child.
• You make me so mad!
• You’re not listening.
• Stop yelling!
• Why can’t you get it?

     Imagine that the conversation is between you and me. All of them say something about you – but not about me. They are “you” messages.

     “You” messages stir up defensiveness and drive us apart. “You” messages assume we know  the other person’s motives, thoughts, and feelings. Our (negative) judgments are reflected in our statements about what the other person is (or isn’t) doing.

     In reality, a difficult situation between two individuals can only be resolved in a healthy (and Biblical) way when people are able to talk about what is happening inside themselves – “I” messages. What am I feeling? What are my motives and deeper thoughts? Problem is…many times we do not know what we are feeling. We think we do. We say we do. But when challenged to identify what we are feeling at a deeper level in an uncomfortable moment we find ourselves at a loss for words.

     “I” messages require unveiled honesty with ourselves. They are a product of “walking in the light as He himself is in the light” and result in drawing us closer together – “we have fellowship with one another.” (1 Jn. 1:7 )

     How could you alter each of the statements above to become “I” messages? What might be going on inside the person making each of those statements? 

 

For example: 

• “Don’t get mad at me” might become, “I’m feeling like you are angry with me. Are you?” or “Are you upset with me?”
• Instead of “Stop treating me like a child” one might say, “Right now I feel like a little kid. I’m having a hard time acting like an adult.”

OK - your turn...

 

Read more...