SOPHIA'S CHOICE*

Sophia, eleven years old, is trying out for the school volleyball team. Her friend is a more aggressive, solid player. Sophia says she's "wobbly." Sometimes when the ball comes to  her she doesn't know what to do. She wants to play well and not embarrass herself.

I've forgotten what 11 years old feels like, but I want to play well and not embarrass myself. I can relate to that.

Sophia's Aunt MaryAnn understood too. "Sophia, each of us has special qualities that God was excited about when he made us. Still, we often spend our lives trying to be like someone else rather than exploring the cool things that make us us!"

"You know," said Sophia, "I like to think about things in little pictures or stories so I can understand them. I feel like we are kind of like these cookies - maybe sugar cookies or something...and we all have neat little things on our backs, like maybe chocolate chips or something. We can only see the cool things on the other cookies backs because, you know, you can't see what's on your own back. You just think you're this plain cookie when you really have cool stuff on your back too that the other cookies can see but you can't sometimes!"

"You're so right!" laughed MaryAnn, "You were seeing the 'little-bit-burnt' side of yourself!"

How are you seeing yourself today?

What values are you living out?

Unless you become as little children you cannot enter the kingdom of God - Jesus

* Sophia's story used by permission

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The Importance of 1974

1974

• Stamps cost 10 cents each, but...
• Median Household Income was only $11,197 (in current dollars)
• Miami beat Minnesota 24 - 7 in the Super Bowl
• The Sting got the Academy Award for Best Picture (we saw it 4 times)
• Richard M. Nixon became the first US president to resign from office August 8th
• Charles Kowal discovered Leda, the 13^th satellite of Jupiter on September 14, the same day that...
• Jane and Ted were married

Today, I (Jane) am taking inventory:  When my life is ideal, I am…………….

• married to the same man    
• the mother of the same three kids
• grown up - my chronological and emotional ages match
• honest with myself and others
• connected to family and friends, no matter the distance
• willing to admit when I am wrong
• free of "shoulds"
• confident in who God made me to be
• thankful that we have worked hard on our marriage in the past decade and a half
• savoring rich memories
• friends with my adult children
• accepting that life is not perfect, nor does it have to be
• able to laugh at myself
• content

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WELL DONE, SON!

    OK, I'll admit it. I'm a typical parent, proud of my kids. With that disclaimer, hear me out.
    Last week Daniel invited me to read a doctrinal position statement and reflection paper he had written about his sense of call to pastoral ministry. And I have Dan's permission to share (t)his story.
    I was impressed by the quality of his work. More than that, I was deeply pleased by who he is becoming. I found myself saying, "Well done! I'm proud of you."
    Recalling the depth of my emotion and complete sense of satisfaction the next morning, I couldn't help reflecting on similar words spoken at our Lord's baptism. Powerful words of affirmation which launched three years of exhausting, intense, sacrificial ministry, "This is my son whom I love, with whom I am well pleased." (Mt. 3:17) In that moment I realized there is something in that event I had missed. Emotionally.
    The joy of the Father.
    That day I experienced a father's joy in a new way. Not that Dan was writing for me or to impress me. It came out of who he is: his mind and heart and character. They were his words. His thoughts. Yet they resonate with who I am, what I value, what I believe. I sense a oneness, a unity.
    If my son can bring me such joy can I not bring even greater joy to my Heavenly Father when my heart becomes aligned with his? Not from striving for it to be so, or trying harder. Not by dint of determination and discipline. Rather by simply enjoying what he enjoys. Loving what he loves.
    When I asked Daniel to read this he admitted it felt a bit awkward to receive public recognition. Sometimes I too find it hard to receive (believe?) my Heavenly Father's affirmation. Can I now freely receive his commendation? Without reading my sense of inadequacy into his joy? Without the pressure of feeling I should have done more?
    Today he is saying, "You are my daughter/son whom I love." Will you hear him?

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FROM THE TOP!

Last Sunday, Jane was in Phoenix for a wedding, I was on my way to 8:30 a.m. church, sleepy from a late night and the time change, and doubting myself as a result of some feedback during the week. In the car I flipped on our local classical music station broadcasting “From The Top” which features outstanding young musicians.

I tuned in just in time to hear 13 year old violinist Eric Tsai interviewed prior to being introduced to the audience. Eric teaches violin to his two younger brothers. They asked him if that is difficult. No, he said, it wasn’t because his family believes that music is a gift from God. Eric’s father takes the boys to nursing homes to play for the elderly. “It brings them so much joy! Like Bach put on his music “to the glory of God” I want to play for the glory of God.”

What a perspective for a 13 year old! The interviewer wanted to know if Eric was nervous. “YA” was all he said.

So this is how Jimmy Whales, founder of Wikipedia introduced him to the audience, “Eric, I can understand you are nervous but I have one thing to tell you. Relax a bit, enjoy this. There is no such thing as a performance that ends your career – because you can always get better!”

What are you doing today? Relax. Enjoy it. You can always get better.

And so can I. (I’m working on taking my own advice!)

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IMPOSSIBLE PEOPLE !!!

In his book, “Who’s Pushing Your Buttons?” Dr. John Townsend discusses twelve common ways that many of us tend to respond to the ‘impossible’ people in our lives – all of which DON’T WORK! Let me simply highlight four of the most common – and offer some beginning suggestions…
Blasting
In the outback of eastern Washington, back in the ‘20’s, a humble congregation decided to move to a new location. They figured on dismantling their church and rebuilding it at the new sight. Someone got the bright idea of loosening the nails by setting off a charge of T-N-T inside the sanctuary. Today you can buy a white wine called “Blasted Church” that commemorates the event.

Some people set off a bomb inside us. When that happens we say things we wish we’d never said. What’s worse, the one who pushed us to the limit thinks, “See, it wasn’t me. You’re the one with the problem.” When we explode there is something we need from the other person we are not getting. What is it? It might be affirmation help, encouragement, support or love. Or?

Have we acknowledged our need and asked the other person to help meet it?

Spiritualizing
I have a good friend who is continually afflicted by a relative who takes advantage of her graciousness asking for last minute favors, criticizing her cooking or housekeeping. But instead of confronting his bad behavior she says she just needs to pray about it. If she were more devout, humble, faithful, generous – if she were less selfish. She says his behavior shouldn’t bother her. If only she were more spiritual – the problem would go away. It will not. His behavior has become her problem.

There is a time to confront the situation.

Reasoning / Explaining
You hoped you could come to an agreement. An understanding. A meeting of the minds. Sometimes, no matter how patiently or clearly you attempt to explain the problem or lay out your reasons, it does no good. It is not that you need more facts or persuasive arguments. The other party has tuned you out. They may even say you are being defensive.

Reasoning with a difficult person may be a good place to start. But if it is unsuccessful, STOP. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling at this moment?” What happens inside you? Maybe you feel taken advantage of, demeaned, ignored, distant, abandon, or abused. Maybe you want to withdraw or do just the opposite of what you’re being asked to do.

Speaking ‘the truth in love’ is saying what is happening inside us without blame or condemnation. It’s simply a brief statement of our feelings. “When X happens I feel ……”

Waiting
When your best efforts have failed…when you have tried to be loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, and that has blown up in your face you may say, “I just need to wait for the right moment. I can’t talk to him until we have a good relationship or until she’s ready.” But that difficult person may never be “ready.”

“Blowback” is one of the most difficult and confusing results of trying to talk to someone about what bothers you. Even if you were able to confront someone in the most loving gentle understanding way possible that would not guarantee the confrontation would go well.

Absorb the “blowback.”

FOUR RESPONSES:
1. Say what you feel, not what she/he did. “When you do X I feel _____________”
2. Clarify. Don’t assume. Ask what the other person meant, intended, wanted or felt. Use their words not your interpretation, your spin.
3. Acknowledge your need. Ask for help meeting that need.
4. Confront the behavior, absorb the blowback.

Who’s Pushing Your Buttons, and Boundaries Face to Face are highly recommended resources for extended help in this area.)

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GET OVER IT!

How do you feel when somebody says that to you?

Three years ago and eight weeks before Heather and Ian’s wedding, Jane broke a bone in her right foot. She hobbled around for a week before getting treatment … a large boot to protect the whole foot and lower leg. Fortunately her foot healed in time to wear nice shoes for the wedding. Once in a while, if she bangs it in a certain way, Jane still feels the pain of that old wound.

It happens in relationships, too. Old wounds surface. We get “tweaked” and feel old pain from something that hurt us in the past. Even though we believe we have forgiven that person.

When someone hurts us we hurt. Try as we might, we can’t just say, “OK, I’m not going to let that bother me any more,” and forget about it. (Unless we minimize it, deny it, or stuff it.) Only those with no past have nothing to forgive!

Come Sunday, I find myself repeating the words, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” but I still hurt, feel angry or want to ‘get even.’

What’s so hard about forgiveness anyway? Maybe we feel that forgiveness means we have to accept or even condone the other person’s actions. Forgive 70 x 7? Sounds like a license to let them keep on hurting me. If I forgive…….they get away with it. Second, even when we try to “forgive” we may be left with negative feelings we just can’t shake.
Let’s get a couple of things straight:
• Forgiveness does not remove the need to confront ‘bad’ behavior. It does not grant immunity. God has covered (forgiven) all our transgressions – but he does not overlook our sin.
• Forgiveness is sacrificial - giving up our right to get even, to level the playing field. It leaves justice in the hands of God.
• Forgiveness is for our benefit though it involves suffering. Just as our Lord is said to be “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” When we forgive we grieve our loss. The loss of what might have been. Cloud & Townsend are on target when they write , “The most basic means of choosing our own way and not God’s is to decide not to suffer.”

One more thing. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is…me! “I feel so guilty,” “I know God has forgiven me, but I just can’t forgive myself.” If you have ever felt that way you are not alone. But know this: trying harder does not help. As C&T have pointed out in many places, the opposite of feeling bad is not feeling good, it is feeling loved. As we extend forgiveness we will experience forgiveness – and discover that we are loved.

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive

those who trespass against us.

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Level The Playing Field!

Remember teeter-totters? Try. Feel how exhilarating it was to be way up there in the air (you were little then); you could see the whole playground! And then you came flying down, up and down, up and down! Until the other person jumped off while you were on top of the world – and you came crashing down. Bang! It was pretty fun being on top but always painful, even humiliating to land on your backside.

Many relationships function the same way. Somebody is on top, one-up. Somebody is one-down. Being down is never fun. Remember Junior High? Were you one-up or one-down? Truth is, in Jr. Hi. every kid feels one down about something. And tries hard to be one-up.

Then we grow up. We pretend that we aren’t on the teeter-totter any more. That we’ve out grown it. Matured. Mellowed out. Moved on.

Have we? No. We have all learned patterns of living on top – being in charge, in control, dominating. Its forms are legion – anger, tears, yelling, demanding, getting in the last word or sulking, silence, leaving, going away. It may be teasing, joking, putdowns. Some stay in control by making peace – never allowing anything to get out of hand, tense, emotional, difficult, or painful. Then there are the masters of the teeter-totter: the person on the ground has the ‘real’ control to humiliate the one on top! All he has to do is get off. Passive-Aggressive control. Ouch!

At the same time, we have all suffered being one-down. We have learned how to live in that place too. An emotional hiding place that limits risk, vulnerability, openness, creativity, spontaneity – freedom. It’s a place where we feel boxed in, trapped. Things seem out of control. We don’t know how to make it stop. Question: do any of these words resonate: overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious, stressed, abandoned, cut off, heavy, listless, despondent, humiliated, exposed? What words express how you feel when you are one-down?

Remember getting on the seesaw? You and your partner’d scooch back and forth till you got it just right. No matter how tall, short, fat or skinny, you two could make it work when you made things equal.

Pay attention to those things that bring equality into you relationships. Step One: Distinguish between Evaluating and Judging in a relationship. Judging another person’s motives is ‘one-upsmanship.’ Evaluating is coming to a situation as an equal; as one who has been wounded, experienced pain, known struggle and difficulty. Step Two: Ask, How is this person like me? What might she be dealing with? Where does he need grace? Step Three: What are you dealing with today? Where do you need grace?

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