IMPOSSIBLE PEOPLE !!!

In his book, “Who’s Pushing Your Buttons?” Dr. John Townsend discusses twelve common ways that many of us tend to respond to the ‘impossible’ people in our lives – all of which DON’T WORK! Let me simply highlight four of the most common – and offer some beginning suggestions…
Blasting
In the outback of eastern Washington, back in the ‘20’s, a humble congregation decided to move to a new location. They figured on dismantling their church and rebuilding it at the new sight. Someone got the bright idea of loosening the nails by setting off a charge of T-N-T inside the sanctuary. Today you can buy a white wine called “Blasted Church” that commemorates the event.

Some people set off a bomb inside us. When that happens we say things we wish we’d never said. What’s worse, the one who pushed us to the limit thinks, “See, it wasn’t me. You’re the one with the problem.” When we explode there is something we need from the other person we are not getting. What is it? It might be affirmation help, encouragement, support or love. Or?

Have we acknowledged our need and asked the other person to help meet it?

Spiritualizing
I have a good friend who is continually afflicted by a relative who takes advantage of her graciousness asking for last minute favors, criticizing her cooking or housekeeping. But instead of confronting his bad behavior she says she just needs to pray about it. If she were more devout, humble, faithful, generous – if she were less selfish. She says his behavior shouldn’t bother her. If only she were more spiritual – the problem would go away. It will not. His behavior has become her problem.

There is a time to confront the situation.

Reasoning / Explaining
You hoped you could come to an agreement. An understanding. A meeting of the minds. Sometimes, no matter how patiently or clearly you attempt to explain the problem or lay out your reasons, it does no good. It is not that you need more facts or persuasive arguments. The other party has tuned you out. They may even say you are being defensive.

Reasoning with a difficult person may be a good place to start. But if it is unsuccessful, STOP. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling at this moment?” What happens inside you? Maybe you feel taken advantage of, demeaned, ignored, distant, abandon, or abused. Maybe you want to withdraw or do just the opposite of what you’re being asked to do.

Speaking ‘the truth in love’ is saying what is happening inside us without blame or condemnation. It’s simply a brief statement of our feelings. “When X happens I feel ……”

Waiting
When your best efforts have failed…when you have tried to be loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, and that has blown up in your face you may say, “I just need to wait for the right moment. I can’t talk to him until we have a good relationship or until she’s ready.” But that difficult person may never be “ready.”

“Blowback” is one of the most difficult and confusing results of trying to talk to someone about what bothers you. Even if you were able to confront someone in the most loving gentle understanding way possible that would not guarantee the confrontation would go well.

Absorb the “blowback.”

FOUR RESPONSES:
1. Say what you feel, not what she/he did. “When you do X I feel _____________”
2. Clarify. Don’t assume. Ask what the other person meant, intended, wanted or felt. Use their words not your interpretation, your spin.
3. Acknowledge your need. Ask for help meeting that need.
4. Confront the behavior, absorb the blowback.

Who’s Pushing Your Buttons, and Boundaries Face to Face are highly recommended resources for extended help in this area.)

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