GET OVER IT!

How do you feel when somebody says that to you?

Three years ago and eight weeks before Heather and Ian’s wedding, Jane broke a bone in her right foot. She hobbled around for a week before getting treatment … a large boot to protect the whole foot and lower leg. Fortunately her foot healed in time to wear nice shoes for the wedding. Once in a while, if she bangs it in a certain way, Jane still feels the pain of that old wound.

It happens in relationships, too. Old wounds surface. We get “tweaked” and feel old pain from something that hurt us in the past. Even though we believe we have forgiven that person.

When someone hurts us we hurt. Try as we might, we can’t just say, “OK, I’m not going to let that bother me any more,” and forget about it. (Unless we minimize it, deny it, or stuff it.) Only those with no past have nothing to forgive!

Come Sunday, I find myself repeating the words, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” but I still hurt, feel angry or want to ‘get even.’

What’s so hard about forgiveness anyway? Maybe we feel that forgiveness means we have to accept or even condone the other person’s actions. Forgive 70 x 7? Sounds like a license to let them keep on hurting me. If I forgive…….they get away with it. Second, even when we try to “forgive” we may be left with negative feelings we just can’t shake.
Let’s get a couple of things straight:
• Forgiveness does not remove the need to confront ‘bad’ behavior. It does not grant immunity. God has covered (forgiven) all our transgressions – but he does not overlook our sin.
• Forgiveness is sacrificial - giving up our right to get even, to level the playing field. It leaves justice in the hands of God.
• Forgiveness is for our benefit though it involves suffering. Just as our Lord is said to be “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” When we forgive we grieve our loss. The loss of what might have been. Cloud & Townsend are on target when they write , “The most basic means of choosing our own way and not God’s is to decide not to suffer.”

One more thing. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is…me! “I feel so guilty,” “I know God has forgiven me, but I just can’t forgive myself.” If you have ever felt that way you are not alone. But know this: trying harder does not help. As C&T have pointed out in many places, the opposite of feeling bad is not feeling good, it is feeling loved. As we extend forgiveness we will experience forgiveness – and discover that we are loved.

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive

those who trespass against us.

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Level The Playing Field!

Remember teeter-totters? Try. Feel how exhilarating it was to be way up there in the air (you were little then); you could see the whole playground! And then you came flying down, up and down, up and down! Until the other person jumped off while you were on top of the world – and you came crashing down. Bang! It was pretty fun being on top but always painful, even humiliating to land on your backside.

Many relationships function the same way. Somebody is on top, one-up. Somebody is one-down. Being down is never fun. Remember Junior High? Were you one-up or one-down? Truth is, in Jr. Hi. every kid feels one down about something. And tries hard to be one-up.

Then we grow up. We pretend that we aren’t on the teeter-totter any more. That we’ve out grown it. Matured. Mellowed out. Moved on.

Have we? No. We have all learned patterns of living on top – being in charge, in control, dominating. Its forms are legion – anger, tears, yelling, demanding, getting in the last word or sulking, silence, leaving, going away. It may be teasing, joking, putdowns. Some stay in control by making peace – never allowing anything to get out of hand, tense, emotional, difficult, or painful. Then there are the masters of the teeter-totter: the person on the ground has the ‘real’ control to humiliate the one on top! All he has to do is get off. Passive-Aggressive control. Ouch!

At the same time, we have all suffered being one-down. We have learned how to live in that place too. An emotional hiding place that limits risk, vulnerability, openness, creativity, spontaneity – freedom. It’s a place where we feel boxed in, trapped. Things seem out of control. We don’t know how to make it stop. Question: do any of these words resonate: overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious, stressed, abandoned, cut off, heavy, listless, despondent, humiliated, exposed? What words express how you feel when you are one-down?

Remember getting on the seesaw? You and your partner’d scooch back and forth till you got it just right. No matter how tall, short, fat or skinny, you two could make it work when you made things equal.

Pay attention to those things that bring equality into you relationships. Step One: Distinguish between Evaluating and Judging in a relationship. Judging another person’s motives is ‘one-upsmanship.’ Evaluating is coming to a situation as an equal; as one who has been wounded, experienced pain, known struggle and difficulty. Step Two: Ask, How is this person like me? What might she be dealing with? Where does he need grace? Step Three: What are you dealing with today? Where do you need grace?

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ARE YOU LISTENING?

How annoying is it to be in a room with someone who talks non-stop and doesn’t take the hint? Or have coffee with a friend who spends the entire time chatting about somebody you don’t even know and doesn’t ask you a thing about you? How do you feel when your spouse reads a magazine while you’re trying to share something important? Decides to text or takes a phone call?

Have you ever been that other person?

Listening well is a learned skill. And much in demand. In spite of all the sermons on “Be Still and Know that I am God!” it’s still tough to do. Being still, that is. The same is true in my relationships with others. To know another person I must learn how to listen.

In Life Coaching we talk about three levels of listening: “To, For & With.” When one is listening to they are taking in the facts. It is utilitarian. Their question is, “What does this mean to me?” The mind may be on other things. Listening for is hearing the words while formulating a response.

A much deeper level of listening occurs when we consciously choose to listen or engage “with” the other person by becoming attentive to their values, their passions, what they care about – asking, “What does this mean to them?”

Listening with requires turning the focus from myself to the other person. It is rare unless it is cultivated. Some things you can do to improve your ‘listening with’ skills are:

• Tune out everything else – it’s the ‘be still’ part of knowing.

• Mirror back what you heard using the other person’s words – not your own. Especially the feelings. No spin.

• Ask “what, when, how” questions out of genuine curiosity, to know more, to understand, for clarification. And then be quiet. Often “why” questions are not helpful because the other person may not know why. Nor do we – however strongly we may think we do. Our assumptions place us in a one-up position which blocks greater openness and trust.

• Project your own autobiography by evaluating, judging, probing, advising, or interpreting.
One more thing….added to this challenge is the fact that individuals process thoughts differently. Milan & Kay Yerkovich point out that for Extroverts things come together as they talk. They need space and time to verbalize. Introverts, on the other hand, process inwardly. They need to think it through, then they can talk about it. The Extrovert is literally thinking it out out-loud. If you are married, chances are pretty high that there’s one of each in your marriage. (note: a recent poll showed that only 20% of Introverts said they felt understood. Why might that be?)

Finally, the one question that is almost certain to gain acceptance in almost any situation is simply this: “What do you want from me right now?”

Are you listening?

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This Thanksgiving - What will you do with the "Sweet Potatoes?"

What’s your best memory of Thanksgiving as a kid? Got that in your mind? Can you see it? Smell it? Good, ‘cause I want to tell you what I hated about Turkey Day – candied sweet potatoes! That horrible stuff with perfectly good marshmallows burnt on top. Ok, I know some of you love them…they make me … ugh, how can you eat those things?

As a kid I had to eat them – at Grandma’s, or mostly at church Thanksgiving dinners! And if I didn’t take a big enough portion, at least what dad thought was big enough… I got twice as much. That was agonizing.

I’m sure Dad had many important character-building lessons in mind (we’re company - be polite (you’re the preacher’s kid), take some, you’ll like it, or it’s good for you…). But there was something else I picked up quite apart from good habits. I learned, or rather I absorbed the feeling that eating sweet potatoes was something I ‘should’ do so the hostess wouldn’t think I didn’t like her cooking. (which I didn’t)

Should do, Need to, Ought to – it’s not just about sweet potatoes, is it? When we “grow up” we discover that we feel so obligated, so responsible. Maybe we struggle to say ‘No.’ There’s someone who will be displeased, something will be left undone…there’s a nagging sense that we haven’t done what we should have or could have.

What about obligation to God? That’s harder to detect. It doesn’t get much air time from the pulpit. All the stuff we ‘should’ do as good Christians – can you hear it? It’s almost as if some small voice inside us is saying, “Eat your sweet potatoes!” i.e. pray more, read your Bible, teach a Sunday School class, help out at the Food Bank, smile-don’t be angry. All good things – but why are we doing them?

Here’s a startling truth: God doesn’t like ‘shoulds’ either. He says, ‘Come to me all you who are thirsty...’ Come because you want to, not because you have to.

Which demands the question: What do you want? What do you love? What energizes you, restores, satisfies, fills you up? What do you want to say ‘Yes’ to and where would you like to say, ‘No’?

Here’s the zinger… If God has granted us the freedom to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ – even when it makes him sad – how will we offer the same grace to others this Holiday Season?

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Feelings Allowed

What happens when someone close to you - a friend or spouse - has a bad day? When one of your kids is in a funk? How do you respond?

Do you try to relieve the negative feelings? Is your tendency to criticize & minimize or ignore the emotion? Often our response is a reflection our own feelings. We may feel responsible to make things better, calm the waters, relieve the discomfort. Sometimes we experience awkwardness and embarrassment; a sense of being ill at ease, unsettled or uncomfortable. We feel as though we should “do something” when the other is down. Maybe we just don’t like being around someone when they are in a funk. It might bring us down. We don’t want anyone to feel bad. Many times our loved one simply needs a safe place to feel what he or she is feeling.

The more searching question is, “Why amI nervous or uncomfortable when someone else is struggling? What is happening inside of me at that moment? ”

Let me recommend and quote from two excellent resources you may want to add to your library:

In Safe Haven Marriage, Dr. Archibald Hart and Dr. Sharon Hart Morris note: many people fail to realize that there is a basic “wisdom” in all of the emotions. They are neither random nor unpredictable. Whatever you are feeling, you’re feeling for a reason! Emotions are the stuff of which life is made – happiness and sadness, elation and depression. As Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us, there is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Because emotions – which we sometimes call “feelings” – are God-given, they are designed into us to serve a purpose.

Emotions are biologically-based and are a synthesis of all that you experience at any particular time. Your brain processes all the information perceived by your senses and converts that information into emotions. You do not have an experience or a thought without an accompanying emotion. Some of these emotions may be imperceptible, but they are there nevertheless. Emotions are intertwined with your beliefs, expectations, and thoughts.

5 Ways Emotions Affect Us:
1. They tell us we have a need – for significance (worth), purpose, meaning or mastery.
2. They direct our thoughts and can overpower reason
3. They give meaning to our thoughts. (although not necessarily accurate)
4. They prompt us to respond. (positively or negatively)
5. They inspire responses from others. (ditto above)

Milan & Kaye Yerkovich have written extensively on this subject in How We Love:

We need to learn to come into relationship for comfort and relief. Being fully known and understood requires that we say aloud to someone else what is going on within our souls. We need to be safe for the other person so they can come tell us they are hurt, angry, etc. We need to experience love, even in the dark places of our lives.

Comfort is not possible unless a connection is made. Comfort is an art.

We often offer reassurance and miss the opportunity to really listen. Asking Q’s helps to find out more about how the other person feels. It is also a way to validate feelings. We all need validation. Validating another’s emotions simply means letting them know that their feelings make sense to us and that we have viewed the situation from their perspective. The key to validation is an attitude of acceptance. What a person is feeling is what a person is feeling, no matter how I view the situation. To accept the reality that the feelings are there whether I like them or not is to validate that person’s experience. This is a sign of maturity.

When someone listens to us and asks questions, we have an opportunity to reflect and put words to what is going on inside us. The self-awareness that comes from learning to reflect gives us the ability to understand our reactions, behaviors, needs, and inner conflicts. Even if you think you know what the other person is feeling, ask anyway!

Action Step – Next time you encounter negative emotions:
1. Ask yourself what’s happening inside you!
2. Ask the other person, “What are you feeling? (or needing)

The goal is to stop telling them what they are feeling, needing, doing, or need to do and listen – to them, to ourselves.

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Jus' Sayin' ... The Truth!

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin. Eph 4: 25, 26

A powerful text! …which we have conveniently interpreted to mean ‘telling someone else what they are doing wrong, what we don’t like and what we want them to change,’ without our getting upset about it. Comes pretty naturally to most of us. The telling part, that is. OK, we don’t always tell them out loud, but we have the conversation in our head. Whether or not we speak to the other person we get the message across: a message that says we are hurt, disappointed, angry, disapproving, critical, or… Whatever it is, something comes across.

Of course, when other people do that to us it’s a whole different story. Then, they are being bossy, mean, unsympathetic, unhelpful or they are just plain wrong. Clearly they aren’t listening or being gracious. How rude!

Being truthful is directly linked to, “in your anger do not sin.” Falsehood is ignoring or pretending; hiding or denying something that’s going on inside us. Sooner or later it turns negative. Speaking the Truth is being aware of and owning what we are thinking and feeling: what we want and need, the positive as well as the negative … and then communicating it effectively. Our desires are our responsibility!

When we communicate our desires effectively, we will be much more likely to get what we desire from our relationships. We appreciate someone who “wants well;” someone who is able to convey what they are feeling, thinking, needing – without dumping on us (eg. anger, manipulation, whining) or saying one thing when they really want something else. “Sure, I’d be happy to do that,” when in reality they are feeling overwhelmed. When someone’s true feelings or wants are nearly invisible to us we will almost certainly fail to meet that person’s expectations. Instead of being drawn closer to that person we will experience their reaction to our “failure” in a way that brings separation. Maybe even anger.

Tips for Jus’ Sayin…The Truth

Be Direct –

Get rid of “Hint Hint.” Trash Sarcasm – When we euphemize or mock we confuse.

Be specific instead of global when expressing wants. If there is a problem, specifics can help break through defenses. Talk about this situation. Avoid vague and expansive examples that communicate that the person that problem are worse than they are.

Indirect: We never go out!
Direct: I’d like to go out to eat tonight. (extra points if you say where!)

Indirect: Do you think you might want to pick me up on time tonight?
Better: Please pick me up on time tonight.

Indirect: Don’t be late again.
Better: Please call if you are going to be late for dinner.

Indirect: I really like it when you put your dishes in the dishwasher.
Better: Please put your dishes in the dishwasher, not in the sink.

Indirect: Why doesn’t it bother you when you are so mean to me?
Better: Please don’t correct me in front of our guests.

Be Descriptive - Use “I” statements rather than “YOU” statements. I” messages describe what I am experiencing. “You” messages are my judgment, my opinion about what you are doing.

Be Daring –
Take a risk. Put it out there without minimizing or euphemizing (putting it in acceptable terms) because…

Be Deliberate –
This is a learning process. It doesn’t come naturally or on the first try. Keep trying. Work at it. If you need help get help.

Resource: Boundaries Face to Face by Cloud and Townsend

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First Things First - Know Thyself

This week we are looking at how knowing and expressing what we need helps us connect with the people we love and those whom we are called to serve. Jane lost two sisters to Cystic Fibrosis. She was the strong one….after all, she survived. Being needy did not feel safe. But, that self-sufficiency was an illusion, a counterfeit which led to a place of despair. Only when she began to believe that God values our neediness did she take steps of faith to open up her heart to connecting.

Within the Trinity God (plural) is always attached, inter-dependent, never in isolation. At the same time, God (plural) is individual. Eternally connected. Ever separate. God is self-sufficient. We are not. As image bearers, we are created to reach outside ourselves to get what we need. One of the most spiritual activities we can perform is to need other people.

Asking for help and support is inconvenient and uncomfortable. Sometimes it is unsafe. Many of us have been taught that it is selfish. Yet God built dependency into all of us. Needs, often experienced as feelings, were there even before the Fall. Emotions can tell us when a need is not being met.

What might you need? Some examples:
Support in uncertainty, a transition, or tough decision
Comfort in a loss or disappointment
Acceptance and understanding
A hug
To express your feelings without being criticized or made fun of
To be affirmed for who you are, not just what you do

Action steps: Am I asking for what I need?
Am I being specific / clear?
Was I honest?
Was I willing to take a risk?

Maturity is the result of resolving the unmet needs in a relationship.Cloud &Townsend

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Who's On Your Christmas List?

7:15 a.m. I’m walking with Cooper, passing kids headed to school. “Good Morning!” Blank stares. “Morning!” Blank stares. “Hi!” Blank stares. Passing a woman, “Good Morning,” no response…staring straight ahead. I don’t exist. Got me thinking about “connecting” – or not. Especially during the Holidays.

Finding genuine connection and intimacy is one of the most common themes our clients bring to coaching. Someone has said “the search for intimacy is the lonely quest of the human heart.” Connecting with another individual at a deep level is an inborn, God-created need first experienced as we were cradled in our mother’s arms. We never outgrow its power to impart to us meaning, worth and value.

Interpersonal closeness is not as widespread as you might think. Individuals learn to adjust to little meaningful emotional interaction. It becomes ‘normal.’ Society encourages uniqueness and independence and teaches us to fend off others’ attempts to draw close. It can be easier to experience closeness with a pet than to the person we live with. What’s missing?

It’s easy to believe that if we could simply find the right person, a soul mate or a kindred spirit then we will be connected, satisfied, filled up by that friendship. Good Luck! Satisfying connections are not merely the chance meeting of similar personalities, interests, or life styles. Intimacy, that sense of being fully known, unconditionally loved, is nurtured by behavior that secures our individual safety in a relationship.

Seven things you can do…

• Know Thyself – What are you feeling? What do you want? What do you need?
• Speak the Truth – State what you want or need, simply, clearly, specifically.
• Feelings Allowed – Ask the other person, “What are you feeling? (or needing) Stop telling them what they are feeling, needing, doing, need to do.
• Like It or Not! – Answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’ Accept the other person’s ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ without judgment.
• Be Quiet – Listen. Without Judging.
• Level The Playing Field – Refuse to be “one up” or “one down”
• Get Over It – Offer & Receive Forgiveness

Over the next few weeks we will take a look at each of these habits that will transform your relationships. Why not get a head start? Make a Christmas list of the people you most want to connect with.

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will you still need me will you still feed me when I'm 64

If you’re old enough, you started humming the 1967 Paul McCartney Beatles tune when you read the title. OK, sing along with the clarinet…

When I get older losing my hair, Many years from now.
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings bottle of wine?
If I'd been out till quarter to three Would you lock the door,
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four.*

One of the most difficult challenges our clients face is asking someone to meet their needs. I can identify. When faced with the question, “What do I need?” I could not answer. My initial response was to wonder what the difference was between a want and a need. Isn’t it selfish to say I need “X”? I thought, there are many things I want, but nothing I really need. After all, I’m not starving or living in some third world country.

Here’s what I discovered. A Want is a desire, something I like, enjoy, something that ‘feels’ good and makes life pleasant. But I do not have to have it. A Need, in contrast, is something without which I am diminished, harmed, damaged. I am missing out on something God intended for me – physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally.

Our Lord taught us that our Heavenly Father is waiting for us to ask for our needs to be met. James says we “have not” because we have not asked, or we have not asked well.

Meier-New Life Clinic offers four steps for getting our needs met in a healthy way:
1. Identify your need.
2. Ask specifically for your need to be met.
3. Give freedom for other person to say “Yes” or “No.”
4. Receive, value, and be grateful for either a “Yes” or “No” without judgment or condemnation.

Who we ask depends on what the need is… I’m learning to be able to tell Jane what I need. She tells me what she needs. How about you? How will I know what you need? Will you tell me?

Paul McCartney got it right, I will need you. Will you need me?

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Lessons From LOST

Not the show. I mean lost, as in: Really Lost.

It happened last week driving from Seattle, WA. to Princeton, NJ. After visiting friends in the Chicago area, son Daniel and I were headed out bound for Cleveland, OH in a blinding downpour. And fog. Dense fog. Driving was miserable. Nearly bumper to bumper traffic. I could barely see the cars around me. I concentrated all my senses on staying in my lane, not too close or too far from the car in front of me. Dan was asleep.

Suddenly my Bluetooth earpiece was buzzing. Back in Seattle Jane was wondering were we were. At 80 mph. you can go a long way in a couple of hours. Just as I was about to say that we were making a mad dash for Cleveland, through the slightest sliver of grey sky, I caught sight of a bright blue sign overhead informing me that I was . . . in Michigan and not far from Detroit!

In a flash I hung up the phone, woke up Daniel and took the next exit!

I was focused. I was fast. And I was faraway from our intended destination.

It is important to be Focused. It takes concentrated discipline. Until we focus and define what is most important to us we live in a fog of other-directed urgencies. But focus is simply not enough. I needed someone to come alongside and help me see what I could not see on my own.

It’s good to be Fast. Efficient. Productive. But it’s not enough. Deep, lasting satisfaction is expressed by something we call “Fulfillment.”

Fulfillment comes from arriving at a place that has long-term meaning and value. Fulfillment is not only arriving, but knowing that we are where we truly want to be. Fulfillment is beyond Focus, Balance, Success, or Productivity. Knowing the difference will determine what actions you take: those you purposefully choose to ignore or decline and the ones that will lead to a meaningful end.

Life Coaching is designed to help achieve fulfillment and help you stay focused by asking those open-ended questions that keep your eyes on the prize.

Call for a free get-acquainted session: 425-275-7317

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Baggage

     If you could snap your fingers and accomplish a dream you once had – what would that be? In my case it was the restoration of a railroad baggage wagon. It all started in the ‘70’s at Ponderosa Lodge, Mount Hermon Christian Camp where they used railroad baggage wagons to transport campers’ luggage to their cabins and as serving ‘tables’ for picnic dinners and banana split night – I wanted one of those! I’m a railroad buff. I love old trains. I play with electric trains at Christmas.
     Nearly 25 years ago I got my wish – sort of. Amtrak was trashing their rubbish. Five bucks got me four Goodrich Industrial solid rubber tires, spoked wheels, steel braces, rods and a whole bunch of heavy oak timber. Seemed like a great idea. Someday that bunch of junk would become an original early 1900’s Northern Pacific Railroad baggage wagon. We would use it in the same way Ponderosa Lodge did – for entertaining.
     It was a fun project at first. The kids put a coat of protective paint on all the wood. We made a huge mess. Then the dream died. Time passed. The dream seemed kind of silly. It was a long shot and I’d probably screw it up. It would take time away from other urgent matters. I told myself it wasn’t that important, it wasn’t practical. I let it slide into the dustbin of “someday.” Once in a while the kids would ask, “Dad, when are you going to build that baggage wagon?” Jane attempted to encourage me on. I’d move (really heavy) stuff around and think, “I really should finish this”…but it never happened. Truth is, the dream was literally gathering grime, cluttering up my garage, getting in the way.
     Until about two months ago. Our daughter Cheryl was scheduled to leave for Army boot camp. More than anything I wanted to spend some quality time with her before she left. Cheryl’s good with tools, a hard worker and had often encouraged me to finish the wagon. She agreed to work on it with me.
     Still, I wasn’t confident I could pull it off. I had no construction plans, just an idea of what it was supposed to look like. Could I figure out how it went together? Did I have all the pieces? Was I doing it right? Would Jane be upset with all the money spent if it didn’t turn out right? Would it be a waste of time?
     As the hours and the evenings passed working with Cheryl in our garage, the conversations, the sense of common purpose and connection, the growing sense of pride in our accomplishment grew. I began to realize that even if it didn’t turn out exactly as I had hoped, my original dream was becoming a part of fulfilling a much larger dream, a longing, a passion………drawing close to my kids.
     As work continued I was able to shed some of my own baggage. Four fears had held me back but when the project became part of living out my core values I could overcome those fears and move forward. The ancient cart was fully restored. It was all I had hoped for – and so much more!

It’s Your Turn –

What do you really want?
What’s holding you back? Could it be …

• Fear of Dreaming – It’s silly to think like that!
• Fear of Failure – What if I can’t finish?
• Fear of Upsetting Someone – What will “they” think or say?
• Fear of Consequences – What if I spend time and money and it doesn’t turn out?

(To see additional pictures of the restoration go to:
http://picasaweb.google.com/revted47/NorthernPacificBaggageWagonRestoration#
For best viewing click on ‘Slideshow’ just above the first picture.)

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You & I Messages

 

It’s about how adults talk to one another………

Pop Quiz – what problems can you identify in the following statements?

• Don’t get mad at me.
• Stop treating me like a child.
• You make me so mad!
• You’re not listening.
• Stop yelling!
• Why can’t you get it?

     Imagine that the conversation is between you and me. All of them say something about you – but not about me. They are “you” messages.

     “You” messages stir up defensiveness and drive us apart. “You” messages assume we know  the other person’s motives, thoughts, and feelings. Our (negative) judgments are reflected in our statements about what the other person is (or isn’t) doing.

     In reality, a difficult situation between two individuals can only be resolved in a healthy (and Biblical) way when people are able to talk about what is happening inside themselves – “I” messages. What am I feeling? What are my motives and deeper thoughts? Problem is…many times we do not know what we are feeling. We think we do. We say we do. But when challenged to identify what we are feeling at a deeper level in an uncomfortable moment we find ourselves at a loss for words.

     “I” messages require unveiled honesty with ourselves. They are a product of “walking in the light as He himself is in the light” and result in drawing us closer together – “we have fellowship with one another.” (1 Jn. 1:7 )

     How could you alter each of the statements above to become “I” messages? What might be going on inside the person making each of those statements? 

 

For example: 

• “Don’t get mad at me” might become, “I’m feeling like you are angry with me. Are you?” or “Are you upset with me?”
• Instead of “Stop treating me like a child” one might say, “Right now I feel like a little kid. I’m having a hard time acting like an adult.”

OK - your turn...

 

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It's Official! It IS the Last Minute

So what are you doing for Valentine’s?  Teddy Bears and Pajama Grams? Flowers?  A Hallmark Card?  Chocolates? (An obvious great choice!)

Whether you’re married or not, what gift could make the biggest difference in the life of someone you love? Hint: It’s not about things.

·     Words – that affirm, strengthen, and bring security.

·     Touch – especially non-sexual, comforting, reassuring, sustaining touch.

·     Present-ness - Really being there in the moment, fully present, fully attentive to the other person. Listening “with” not simply listening “to.” (while thinking about our response) Being present takes time, but it’s not about the time; rather about being connected.

Powerful suggestions, but I’ll go one step further. The deepest and most enduring longing of my heart and yours is to be fully known and fully loved. It is a God-given need. In spite of our faults we gain strength when we are valued and treasured. Though inadequate, we need assurance that we matter; that we are making a difference; that we are protected. When threatened we need security.

The greatest gift I can give the one I love is to become a safe place for her to be fully known and fully loved.

How do I know I’m right? Because I have experienced it in the one who loves me.  Thank you, hon…    And through her, I have come to know more fully the one who has loved me from Eternity past. Thank you, Father.

“We love because he first loved us!”  1 John 4:19

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Finishers

     Some time ago a PBS special, The Boomer Century: 1946-2046 reported an amazing finding – 4 out of 5 boomers intend to keep working and earning in retirement and 50% of all boomers plan to launch into an entirely new job or career!
     Events of the last several years have forced many to adjust their thinking. The challenges of the economic downturn necessitate a fresh approach to retirement. Chances are even greater now that boomers are contemplating something different.
    Which demands the question: What are you going to do with the rest of your life that really matters? For Eternity?
    Finishers is one answer to that question. Founder Nelson Malwitz is typical of the boomer generation. As a chemical engineer Malwitz left the corporate marketplace several years ago eager to connect with a mission project. Traditional mission agencies didn’t know what to do with him. Nelson created FinishersProject – Your bridge to a Global Impact to facilitate fully trained, experienced boomers an opportunity to invest the latter years of their lives – their best years – short term, part time or 2nd career – for Christ and His Kingdom.
     What will you do?

    What are you doing right now to move in that direction?

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If It Ain't Broke...

    Murphy’s Law: If it ain’t broke . . . it will be soon!

    Oh, Oh! That little red “engine” light in the Honda came on. Should we take it in? It’s such a hassle. Besides it’s probably no big deal. Wrong! Fortunately Jane, being the more cautious, drove to our mechanic. His verdict? “Good thing you got it in here right away or you’d be looking at a whole new engine.”
    During Christmas break our daughter Heather spent her birthday in the dentist’s chair. But the filling preempted a root canal.
    With all the freezing temperatures one plumbing company’s ad said, “Call us for a check up. Or call us with an emergency. It’s your choice!”
    Whether it’s pipes, the roof, or new tires vs. a flat on the freeway we all recognize that without proper maintenance things fall apart. It’s either “prevent ative” maintenance or “deferred” maintenance and as every home owner discovers – the longer we put it off, the greater the problem, the greater the cost!
    But it’s not just things that fall apart. Without adequate maintenance WE fall apart. Too often I find myself minimizing or rationalizing the ‘cavity’ – that empty place that needs attention.
    Historically the word ‘maintenance’ comes from the root ‘keeping in being.’
    Medically that entails keeping a patient in stable condition, or continuing good health practices. Computer Programmers are correcting faults in an application, improving performance or adapting a program to a changing environment. Lawyers talk of the ability to provide basic, necessary material support. To financial planners it means actions that bring an asset to its full potential.
    What are you doing to “keep in being?” No, not just a post-Christmas diet or a trip to the club, what about the deeper, ‘inside’ areas that need attention and care? Life balance (stability); Communication (good health practices); Personal Goals (improved performance); Staying Focused (nessary); Fulfillment (full potential) :
    What would maintenance in those areas look like? What will you do to avoid a ‘root-canal’ emergency?

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Keep New Year's Resolutions?

     It’s no secret that most of us don’t keep our New Year’s Resolutions. If we bother to make them. Only about 19% of people who make resolutions keep them as long as two years according to John Norcross, psychology professor at University of Scranton, PA.

     That’s the bad news. The good news is that you are 10X time more likely to make a positive change in your life if you do make a New Year’s Resolution! Of those who do, 46% keep them at least six months.
     So what separates those who keep their good intentions from those who fail? Perhaps surprisingly, the answer is not will power, trying harder or being more disciplined. (Which doesn’t work for becoming a better Christian either!)
     Those who are successful at accomplishing a goal or changing a behavior pattern have at least three of these things in common. They:
     1. Make specific, concrete action plans to change their daily behavior, setting a time, place, date by which to accomplish goals.
     2. Celebrate bite-sized accomplishments. Professor Howard Hendricks challenged his students, “Make it a habit once a day to say ‘No!’ to something you want but do not need.”
     3. Get a little help from their friends. They keep on track by checking in daily or weekly with supportive people who care by calling them if they fail to check in.
     4. Announce their intentions. Publish goals on Facebook, email friends, put it in a blog. Up the ante by letting others in on resolutions. They give themselves some external relational motivation to follow through.
     5. Be honest about attachment to bad habits. What are they doing that sabotages their goal? Saving “stuff” that might come in handy some day? (Thrift vs. Clutter); “Researching” – gathering more and more information without acting on it? (Surfing vs. Studying); Putting it off until the “right time”? (Sensitivity or . . . )
     6. Expect setbacks. Mistakes and failure are part of developing a new habit. Those who continue to fail blame themselves and feel like a failure while those who succeed recognize failure as inevitable and quickly get back on track.

     Let’s make it personal: What would you like to accomplish in 2010?

     Here’s a shameless self-promotional plug: Get some help from an experienced Life Coach. Ted Hutchinson! Call me to schedule a free introductory coaching session. (425) 275 – 7371. You’ll love it. Even if you decide it’s not for you right now, you’ll be more motivated and you’ll tell someone else about me. That’s a win-win for both of us! And a blessed New Year!

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